(0) On your way to the restaurant, did you call and ask for directions
even though your Range Rover and your iPhone 5 both have built in GPS
with turn-by-turn navigation? Did you then keep the busy hostess on
the phone and force HER to give you turn by turn driving directions?
And of course, your cellphone cut in-and-out during the entire
conversation, right, and you berated the hostess because she couldn’t
hear you?
(1) Did you arrive 45 minutes late for your restaurant reservation and
then demand to know why your on-the-water patio table is not ready?
Did you then stand by a kindly elderly couple finishing their bread
pudding, point to their table, and ask if you could have their seats
once they leave? And then did you block the entrance to the patio
while standing in the middle of the restaurant waiting for that table
to be ready?
(2) When you hear the words “Dress Code,” do you immediately think
that an ensemble consisting of denim shants (half pants/half shorts),
a flat bill Von Dutch trucker cap, a vintage 2005-Ed Hardy T-shirt,
and Uggs for Men is the very definition of “Appropriate for Dress
Code”?
(3) Before the waiter could even welcome you to the restaurant or
state his name, did you immediately ask for the specials, all of which
you will not comprehend because you are naturally very bad at
listening (ironic given how you have a Bluetooth headset permanently
attached to your head–in 2013, mind you), and all of which you will
ask him to repeat while you shake your head vigorously in disgust
because the specials aren’t precisely what you wanted to hear?
(4) Are you wearing enough Drakkar Noir or Coolwater cologne (if you
are male) or Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds or Victoria’s Secret’s
Heavenly Angel perfume (if you are female) that you leave a trail of
your scent from the entrance all the way to your table and a cloud of
fragrance that extends 10 meters in all directions from you? Nothing
enhances the appetizing scent of a nice Pinot Noir like your Eurodream
cologne. Really.
(5) Did you ask that always popular question, “What can I get instead
of potatoes?” We love open-ended questions, you know. You could have
just asked if you could get your first choice–say, sauteed
spinach–instead of potatoes. Instead, you wanted me to list all of
your options. I shall list them for you….you can get Nothing, or
Rice, or Broccoli, or Sliced Tomatoes, or a Box of Rocks, or Plate of
Ass, or Recap of all your Life’s Failures, or My Eternal Disdain. You
can get any of those. Or you can feel free to just directly state what
you are hoping to hear instead of fishing for it like Brad Pitt in A
River Runs Through It.
(6) Did you ever, ever say, “Don’t worry, I’ll take to you” to your
waiter? Did you really make that increasingly popular promise to
deliver financial remunerations to your server to compensate for your
uncouth, uncultured, douchie behavior? Do you know what I can buy at
South Coast Plaza with your empty words and broken promises? I’ll tell
you what I can’t buy. I can’t buy a new Christian Dior evening clutch
for my expensive girlfriend. That’s what I can’t buy. I can’t buy her
those Louboutin over-the-knee boots she’s been wanting since last
Christmas. That’s what I can’t buy.
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, congratulations!
YOU ARE A DOUCHIE RESTAURANT CUSTOMER! You should Yelp about your
experience, Instagram pictures of your appetizers with your obnoxious
Xenon-flash powered cameraphone, and mention that you are friends with
the owner at least seven times during your entire dinner. Also, please
don’t forget your Bluetooth headset, your manjewelery, and your three
scarves on your way out the door.
- Chris
