Two centuries ago, one U.S. party died out, and a new opposition hadn’t yet gotten going. So that strifeless interval was called “The Era of Good Feelings.” Seems we’re in another such.
With a lovely smooth peaceable transfer of power. The new guy hosted at the White House, all handshakes and smiles. Unlike the previous time. No screaming about vote fraud — vanished like the snows in spring. No plotting with fake electors and such. No violent mob storming the Capitol.
Oh, excuse me, that was of course a patriotic love-fest. All those heroes so unjustly jailed will now duly be pardoned. Merrick Garland made to kiss their feet.
And for the great man himself, all is forgiven now too. All those nasty criminal prosecutions — er, witch hunts — melting away as well. Now our peerless leader floats serenely above the law, unbothered by the travails of mere mortals. Free to spend his days watching TV, primping his very authentic hairdo, and playing golf, like a president should, and scarfing down cheeseburgers, untroubled even by cholesterol.
Yet no worries, with an administration staffed by the best and the brightest. Like the new Defense Secretary, who proved his military and organizational chops as a talking head on Fox, our source for true information (notwithstanding the odd $787 million settlement for knowingly spreading lies).
And Tulsi Gabbard as National Intelligence director, bringing her history of steadfast consistency, and the proper perspective — that in our conflicts with Russia and China, we are the bad guys.
And Kristi Noem, who as Homeland Security Secretary will show zero tolerance for misbehavior — as with that puppy she shot for acting up.
And business geniuses Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy will bring their sober judgment to warring against those ever-present bugaboos, “waste, fraud, and abuse,” that decades of such verbal crusading were never before able to conquer. This time’s the charm, surely.
And don’t forget Robert Kennedy, Junior who, bolstered by that helpful brain worm, and having useful experience with dead bears, will run the Department of Health and Human Services, protecting us from the dangerous scourge of vaccines and similar threats from modern science.
But the piece-de-resistance is surely the attorney-general designate, that embodiment of probity, integrity, judicious justice, and above-the-fray non-partisanship — the literally incomparable Matt Gaetz. Just look at his face, you can see how virtuous he is.
It’s also quite reassuring that Republicans will now fully control Congress, given their sterling record of accomplishment there, changing speakers with such orderliness, mounting such penetrating investigations of fantastical Biden misdeeds, and always succeeding in averting government shutdowns and catastrophic debt defaults with ample minutes to spare.
The mind reels from this parade of goodness and civic excellence — befitting so noble a citizenry as ours. Getting exactly what they so perspicaciously voted for.
I myself am personally grateful that the new regime is no disappointment in providing such delicious fodder for my chronicling. Gosh, what fun!
The forthcoming inaugural crowd size will no doubt be record-shattering, the largest gathering ever in history anywhere. However, readers will have to forgive no coverage of those august ceremonies — my watching it could be a lethal overdose of wonderfulness.
