Allotment Undergardener

Are you aware that I don't really know much about allotmenteering? I understand the principles and even some technical stuff but I don't use my knowledge ~ I'm too scared to even plant my own seeds or pot on a healthy plant. I always, and I mean always feel I'll do something wrong, it won't be perfect, I'll fail. And conversely...I might be good at it and then, like so much in my life, I'll lose the skill or the confidence and all will be darkness in my soul.

Just a little selection of our gardening books

Not in a nasty way, Andrew said to me, as I was trying to take 'before' photos, that I may well be a blogger but he was a gardener and I was simply getting in his way. It made me think. I'm not a gardener, I've never thought of myself as one, I'm an under gardener and that's ok; it's how I like it.

I have too much time on my hands!

I like to weed, in fact I love to weed and tidy. I thoroughly enjoy harvesting, even the gooseberries (when I end up looking like I have been in a fight with a crazed flock of sharp taloned birds and my arms are all scratched and bleeding) or even picking all the blackberries and looking like I have just committed mass murder myself... Ah let people think want they want....It's the quiet ones you have to watch....
Weirdly, I also like to be told what to do; what's happening with this section of the plot and what I can do to help. Basically Andrew is the Allotmenteer- I'm there to take photos, do manual labor and then write about it so we can see and fully appreciate what we have been able to do, working with nature.
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Well that's not entirely true. The allotment is therapy for me and just like physical therapy, it is bloody hard work and takes a lot of drive and courage. I do feel good clearing a bed, getting it ready for the real gardening to get cracking; I feel good with the sun on my back and my hands in the soil; I love bird song (butterflies terrify me - go figure that one out!) and the sound of distant chat and laughter.

But for me personally, there is the fear of having to socialise, of being asked advice or for help. I get myself so worked up at the very thought of having a panic attack there and embarrassing myself and Andrew that they inevitably happen. I cry a little every time I go and blame the wind in my eyes or my hay fever, often I want to hurt myself with the tools. Ecotherapy isn't easy! Yes, if no one else is there, I can sometimes really enjoy it and it feels right, so right, to be working with my hands, back to basics.
But either way - gardener or dog's body, panicky or not..
'In the Spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt'~ Margaret Woodand we both have been :)Love and hugsCarrie