Seriously, we've been waiting for five years for Dave off, Sail fixings and Gloomy temples...
First of all: DAVE OFF...
you'all know the film Face Off starring Johnny Trav and Cagey, right... no it's not even connected to that. It's basically ALL THE EVIL-TWIN FIGHTS SCENES you've ever seen in a film already. Who will win? And do we really care? And (most importantly) will we be able to identify the victor come that really important time later on in the film when Real Trust might just become a narrative issue.
Secondly: SAIL FIXING...
sure, Gravity had its boring pointless self-absorbed moments, we all agree, but did Alien:Covenant (the film that's supposedly getting us to the answer to the long-awaited question, "Why did the Elephantine Space Trucker tidy-park his cargo-hauling space-croissant on LV426 in 1979?") really just spend upwards of half an hour fixing the solar sails of the Covenant space ship?
Did I really (as a cash-paying film-goer) need to see those lethargic golden sails open up like a view of the Giza Pyramid from above? Is it my role as a paying customer to sit through such Freemasonic dull symbolic trite?
Thirdly: PARADISE...
and by Paradise, I obviously mean 'the gloomy temple from long-ago ages' that David calls home. It was just all so gloomy, dank and despondent. Is this really an illustration of David's personality, that he's come this low? This Lost....yeah, we get it, "Shelley is not Byron," and... damned narrative upgrades.
Usually, having watched a good film, I came out of the cinema buzzing or morbid or paranoid or excited... something. With Alien:Covenant I came out feeling nothing. I was actually glad to be no longer watching this film. I was out of there as soon as the credits started to roll. Years of expectation I will never get back....
