The day I had gone to see Dr.
Surgeon about the mastectomy I had gone by myself. Mike just simply couldn’t be there and that
was okay with me. I was a big girl. He had been to every appointment and
treatment up to this point with me.
Driving to the appointment was something that I could do because I was
feeling good enough that day to drive there but I knew that I would have to
come home immediately afterwards. Some
days I did not trust myself to drive but on this day it was okay. This doctor visit would drain me and I knew
it. The drive to the city and back was a
bit daunting and I knew I would have no energy for anything else. When I arrived at the hospital there was only
parking available on the top level of the parking garage. I parked there and hurried down to my appointment. When I left my appointment I headed towards
the parking garage and this is when I experienced the third of the low points I
mentioned in an earlier post.
My Family at the top of Whistlers Mountain - Jasper, BC 2009
Maybe I will call this one
“Struggling in the Stairwell”. I headed
straight through the parking garage the same way I had come in. I had no idea where the elevators were and
actually didn’t recall ever seeing elevators on any previous trip there. I had to go up to the top level (I am
guessing about 6 levels) which was the rooftop level of the garage. It was so incredibly cold that day that I
just hurried through and started up the stairs.
I didn’t get too far before I started to slow down. Eventually I could hardly move myself forward
and upward. I had to sit down. I couldn’t breathe and then I was
freezing. There was nobody else
around. I was sure that eventually
someone would find my frozen body there in the stairwell and have to look
through my purse for my wallet to figure out who I was.
Vicky & I after hiking to the top of Grouse Mountain - Vancouver, BC 2011
I got up and tried again. I made it up a few more stairs before I had
to sit down again. It was like walking
through mud. I pulled myself up using
the railing and went up a few more stairs until I had to sit down again. This was my pattern and I was crying at this
point and frustrated so much because I couldn’t walk up the damn stairs like a
normal person. I was angry that this was
happening to me and then I just dug down into myself as far as I could and
pulled out all the strength that I could and kept moving. There was no way I wasn’t going to get up to
the top. This was like my Mount Everest
at that moment. Six lousy flights of
stairs it a stupid parking garage had become my Mount Everest. How pathetic.
FPU at the top of Blue Mountain - Collingwood, ON 2007
I have no idea how long it took me
but I finally made it to the top. I made
it damn it!! I pushed open the door and
walked out into the outside like I had accomplished something huge! I fully expected a crowd of cheering fans
there and flags waving for me. The finish
line! The top of the mountain! Nobody was there. Just my car.
Yes I had done it and I could see my little blue car. Now if only I could get from there to the
car. I kept it in my sights and moved
one leg in front of the other until I got the door open and collapsed on the
driver seat. I was exhausted and
exhilarated that I had done it. I cried
because I was happy that I had made it and because I was angry and because I
was frustrated and because I had had enough of feeling this way. I turned on my car, waited for it to
warm up, waited until I was calm and breathing normally, and then I drove
straight home. I made a mental note to
figure out where those damn elevators were located. Ain't No Mountain High Enough - Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
