I have been watching (and frequently cringing over) this season’s Bachelor in Paradise. From an abusive, over-muscled villain to an overserved female (and male) or two—the behavior on this Bachelor barely passes for unacceptable. But we continue to watch and ratings are probably strong. Why is this? Maybe these folks help us to feel superior, more together, and/or better able to handle our liquor. Maybe it’s just that as they push the boundaries and behave in ways that would get anyone else arrested, fired, or broken-up with. There’s an entertainment factor in watching them do the unthinkable and (more or less) getting away with it. From verbal threats, name-calling, vicious gossip, trading places to deceive and humiliate (twins), to pushing and other physical aggression—this season of Bachelor in Paradise has it all.
Contestants have their reasons for auditioning and if selected, joining the cast. The obvious one is to find their 15 minutes of fame and potentially a new and more lucrative career. What we hear over and over are comments about someone being there for the wrong reasons—the “right” one being to find love. But really, who believes that? Those who do find love seem to just get lucky—right time, right place, right person.
Whatever female cast members’ reasons are for being there, many of them are going about (whatever it is) in the wrong way. What they tell us in their solo interview spots is that they want to find that special person and that for reasons that completely escape their awareness, their relationships NEVER WORK OUT. How many times have we heard this from a very attractive woman who also appears to possess good intelligence and has done reasonable well in her career? I see a pattern here and though it seems obvious to me, it seems to escape these women. No one is really talking about it openly and candidly either, probably for fear of being called narrow-minded or sexist. Because I am a woman and a therapist—I’m comfortable pointing out what I see and if any of these young ladies were my clients, we would be talking about this.
To begin with, these women are selling themselves short. In spite of their looks and other positive attributes, they appear to suffer from low self-esteem. It’s as though they anticipate rejection, then set themselves up for it. How do they do this, you ask?
For starters, a few consume too much alcohol, and even more move too quickly into something physical with the first interesting guy, or any guy if the pool is limited. There is no mystery, the guys don’t really have to make much of an effort, new guys see them physically connecting with other guys before they even have a chance to get to know them, and their interactions overall appear to be lacking in substance and depth.
Here they are with one big plus—they are in a situation where they are together for days (weeks for some), and have repeated exposure—which allows them to connect in deeper and more meaningful ways. Apparently some have done this and made good friends with another cast member and a few couples who moved quickly got lucky—but luck and timing factor heavily into their happy endings.
For the rest, we get to witness jealousy, tears, anger, moments of resentment and self-doubt, and some spectacular melt-downs. There they are, in front of how many million viewers, showing their worst selves. This is the kind of 15 minute impression no one wants to leave, and one that will not help their career any more than it will help them find love.
My advice is to slow down ladies. Drink less alcohol and more water, eat healthy food, take long walks, have some real conversations with each person there—then accept a date if someone really appeals and try to have some good old-fashioned fun and playtime together. Think Sarah’s date with Christian. Talk about fun—and it really helped them learn something about one another and to bond. My last piece of advice—stop trying to be what you THINK others want—especially men. Guys I work with are often telling me how they wish women would be themselves, push back, not let them get away with stuff—and just like themselves better.
This is good advice ladies—consider taking it if you really do want to find happy, healthy love.
