I am your disease
I hate. I destroy. I revel in your suffering. I wish you a slow and immensely painful death. Let me introduce myself. I am the disease of addiction. I am cunning, baffling and powerful. I am so patient, devious beyond your comprehension. I have killed millions. I will never stop or relent.
I love to ensnare you, to surprise you, to entrap your vulnerability and use it against you. I get great pleasure from pretending to be your friend and lover. I have given you pleasure and comfort, is this not so? Wasn't I always there when you were lonely, afraid, confused, angry, bitter, broken and broken again? When you wanted to die, didn't you call me? Wasn't I always there?
I love to make you hurt. I love to make you cry. Even more I love to make you so numb you no longer hurt or cry. I am ecstatic when you can't feel at all. This is my most glorious deception. I give you instant gratification. All I take in return is your long term suffering. I love to confuse and run riot through your pathetic emotions. I've always been there for you.
When things were OK in your life you invited me. You said you didn't deserve these good things. I was the only one who agreed with you. Together we were able to destroy all that was good and wholesome and well in your life.
It's a great cosmic joke. People don't take me seriously. They take heart conditions, strokes, cancer, and even diabetes seriously. Fools that they are, they don't even begin to comprehend that without my help so many of these other ailments would not be possible. I am such a hated and feared disease but even then I am denied, completely, absolutely denied.
Graciously I do not come uninvited. You choose to have me. Oh so many have chosen to have me over reality, peace, serenity, health, love and life on life's terms. More than you could ever hate me I hate your recovery. I hate your Higher Power. I hate your twelve steps. These things weaken me and prevent me from functioning in the manner to which I am accustomed.
So as you grow in your recovery, I must lie here quietly. You don't see me. But I am growing bigger and stronger than ever. I progress with or without you. I always did, I always will. When you barely only exist, I live to the fullest. When you live to the fullest in recovery, trusting your Higher Power and following those twelve steps, I only exist.
BUT. I am here. Growing, hating. And, until we meet again, I wish you continued death and suffering. Jails, institutions and, always at the end, a pitiful, ignoble, pathetic, weak, powerless and painful death. Deny me, I dare you...
