And now it’s time for what CBS is desperately trying to market as “The first awards show of the season”, yes it’s the “Hollywood Film Awards.” What the hell are The Hollywood Film Awards? Well, it seems that the Hollywood Film Awards began in 1997 but tonight is the first time they have ever been broadcast on TV. Hmmm, I wonder why that is?
8:00p – We’ve started and CBS is trying super hard to make this a thing.
8:01p – Queen Latifah is our host and she walks on stage wearing Liberace’s curtains.
Queen makes a joke about the fact that the first seventeen Hollywood Film Awards have never been televised and then chokes on invisible laughter. Seriously, something flies into her mouth and she has to spit it out. Foreshadowing maybe?
8:02p – Queen points out Steve Carell, alludes that he had teenage sex in a Volkswagen and then once again mentions that for almost two decades no one cared about this shit enough to put it on TV.
8:04p – Fun Fact: Queen Latifah enjoys watching movies.
8:05p – For some reason we are now in a montage of movies that have been released in the past two months or I have never heard of before. We come back to Queen who introduces our first presenter, Iron Man.
8:06p – Iron Man is here to present “Hollywood Supporting Actor”. Iron Man did not really dress up for this and goes on to talk about how he Googled actors with the initials R.D. which is all for naught since apparently there are no nominees and Robert Duvall has already been selected for the award.
8:08p – Montage of Robert Duvall in the film The Judge which plays like a bad “HBO making of” feature.
8:10p – Robert Duvall makes his way on to the stage and is given a piece of black plastic on a base which I assume is a Hollywood Film Award. It’s so pitch black that I can’t make out its shape. Anyway, Robert Duvall’s entire acceptance speech seems to be about how great Iron Man was in Chaplin.
8:12p – Duvall is still blabbering on… they don’t seem to play people off at the Hollywood Film Awards. Isn’t this live? They may need to play him off; Grandpa doesn’t seem to want to stop talking.
8:14p – Duvall is finally played off stage and Laura Dern walks out to present “Hollywood Breakout Performance Actress” because Hollywood Film Awards are named by people whose first language is not English. Anyway, again there are no nominees because they have already chosen Shailene Woodley from The Fault in Our Stars. We get another “making of” montage and then Shailene walks up and gets to ramble on about victories and pillows. Her boobs and dress are fighting each other over how many nip slips can be caused or avoided.
8:17p – I totally understand why the first seventeen Hollywood Film Awards were not televised. It’s because this show sucks. No wonder it’s airing on a Friday. When is this train wreck supposed to be over?
8:18p – Commercials.
8:21p – Queen Latifah and Batman/Beetlejuice are making out in the peanut gallery.
Queen hits on Batman/Beetlejuice’s son who is sitting at the table and then introduces Christoph Waltz who is here to present “Hollywood Supporting Actress” to Keira Knightley because there is no drama at this awards show, it’s just a marketing gimmick so studios can give themselves blowjobs in front of a CBS audience that thought Blue Bloods was going to be on.
8:23p – Here’s a montage of Keira Knightley’s new movie The Imitation Game which won’t even be released in U.S. theaters for another two weeks. Benedryl Cumquat is in it and we get almost as much screen time for him as we do for her in the montage since he’s top billed. It’s about British code breakers in World War II, so I’m sure everyone in Nebraska will love it!
8:24p – Christoph Waltz is holding the award at an angle where you can sort of make out what it’s supposed to be. It looks like a giant letter “A”, which I guess stands for AWARD or ADULTERY.
Actually now I can see it better and it’s a letter “H” which must stand for HOLLYWOOD or maybe HORSESHIT. Keira accepts the award she already knew she was going to win.
8:26p – Reese Witherspoon is introduced to present “Hollywood Breakthrough Director” and tells us immediately that Jean-Marc Vallee has won for his work in the movie Wild. That movie won’t be released for almost three weeks from the airing of this show, proving once again that this is not an awards show but a glorified commercial for upcoming movies that the studios want to be Oscar contenders.
8:29p – Jean-Marc walks on stage and is French. He gives his acceptance speech directly to Reese Witherspoon and does not acknowledge the audience. It is all very French.
8:31p – They start to play Jean-Marc off stage but he is French and does not care, so he keeps talking. Half his speech is given with walk off music playing underneath. He does not care about your orchestra or time limits, viva la film!
8:33p – Commercials
8:36p – Oh God, we’re back. I may need to start drinking to get through this crap. Anyway Queen Latifah is now backstage showing us where the “winners” get their pictures taken. Laura Dern, Jean-Marc Vallee and Reese Witherspoon are there being assaulted by flashbulbs. Queen tells us the party is only just now getting started so yeah, I’m going to need bourbon.
8:37p – More commercials. I’m making a run to my liquor cabinet.
8:38p – So we’re back and this means I have to do a shot of Jim Beam. Also Queen Latifah is introducing Jared Leto by talking about the amazing eyeliner his character wore in Dallas Buyer’s Club. Forget that whole Oscar thing he won for that film, Maybelline spokeswoman Queen Latifah only noticed his makeup. Anyway Jared Leto still looks like Jesus and comes out to talk about stuff. Blah blah blah.
Oh, wait, apparently Leto is presenting “Hollywood Breakout Performance Actor” to Eddie Redmayne for his role as Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything. For those of you hoping to see his “breakout” performance, you’ll have to wait three months since it doesn’t hit most U.S. theaters until January of next year. By the way, Redmayne does not look thrilled to be there.
8:41p – Eddie Redmayne talks about ping pong and the sound goes out briefly which I can only determine means that the booth had to hit the seven second dump button because Redmayne dropped a potty word. It was probably something like, “thank you for this fucking poser award, I fucking love ping pong”.
8:43p – Hilary Swank who only wins Oscars when she plays a character that gets beaten to death is next to present “Hollywood Screenwriter”. I am capturing the images for this blog directly from the TV with my iPhone and in thirty-eight attempts I could not take a flattering one of Hilary Swank. This is the best one I got.
8:45p – Gillian Flynn wins for Gone Girl, a movie that is completely fucked up and she looks nothing like the psychopath I imagined actually wrote it (although, her earrings are pretty disturbing).
8:48p – Commercials.
8:50p – We’re back in the audience with American Idol’s Randy Jackson and HBO’s The Crypt Keeper. Oh, wait, that’s actually Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. Tyler can no longer stand under his own power and has to lean on Jackson or else he will fall down and disintegrate into a pile of cocaine dust and dead skin cells.
Jackson talks about music and how it’s important to movies and before words there were tunes and blah blah blah. He then sends it back to the stage for Janelle Monae who is going to perform What is Love from the epic cinematic masterpiece, Rio 2.
8:51p – ABSOLUTE MADNESS ERUPTS AS CARNIVAL BREAKS OUT ON STAGE!
8:54p – The crazy performance ends and Randy Jackson is onstage with Janelle to give her a trophy for a fake award. Janelle has a lot of people to thank and she thanks them all before walking off stage.
8:55p – Queen Latifah is back to introduce the winner of the “2008 New Hollywood Award” Robert Pattinson. This show has officially jumped the shark and we aren’t even an hour into it. Pattinson looks as if he has been on a twelve day long heroin binge.
Anyway Pattinson has taken a break from shooting all of the smack in the world into himself to present “Hollywood Director” which isn’t so much and award but a job title. The (cough, cough) “award” is going to a fidgety Norwegian man named Morten Tyldum.
8:57p – Tyldum is on stage now to talk about his move, The Imitation Game that comes out in two weeks so no one knows if it’s any good or not.
8:59p – Commercials. (I am out of Jim Beam).
9:03p – Unfortunately we are back and Queen Latifah is introducing the star of 22 Jump Street, two time Oscar nominee Jonah Hill who has been told that he has 20 seconds to give “his friends” the award for “Hollywood Ensemble” so he says that Foxcatcher is the best movie in years and then the sound goes out as they hit the dump button again because Jonah must’ve said a bad word about a movie that opened in theaters the very day that this awards show is being televised.
9:05p – Steve Carell and Channing Tatum walk onstage and hug Jonah and themselves five times.
Carell then proceeds to be the only good thing about this awful show by being the first entertaining thing that has happened. He cracks a joke about Mark Ruffalo not being there to accept with him and Tatum because Ruffalo is not a good member of the ensemble.
9:07p – Queen Latifah walks to the wrong microphone before introducing Angelina Jolie who is obviously preparing for an upcoming role as Skeletor in a He-Man and the Masters of the Universe remake. Geeeeeeeesh, somebody get her a milkshake and some fries fast.
Angelina is presenting “New Hollywood” to Jack O’Connell who has the misfortune of being at a table near Steven Tyler.
Angelina talks about how she directed him in the movie Unbroken where he was tortured by being placed in a cell and hit with a rubber baton as part of the audition. What? Does OSH know about this shit? Unbroken by the way will open on Christmas Day over a month from when this crap is airing., so it’s great that we’re giving more awards to people who have made movies that no one has seen or been able to judge. Hey, I haven’t had a movie released yet either, where the hell is my Hollywood Film Award?
9:10p – STAR LORD IS THERE!
9:11p – O’Connell accepts the award and makes fun of the award in a very British way. He also makes fun of Jolie and gives her a sarcastic bow. Probably for all the baton beatings he got during the auditions. Anyway, I think he’s awesome now.
9:13p – Queen Latifah returns and alludes that Jack O’Connell is probably drunk. She then starts to introduce Chris Rock, who I will not be surprised if it turns out is getting an award for one of those horrible Grown Ups movies he does with Adam Sandler. But now, it turns out he is “winning” the award for “Hollywood Comedy Film” for the movie Top Five which you can watch in three weeks.
9:16p – Chris Rock walks on stage as also makes fun of the ridiculousness of this whole thing. He calls the trophy a “blackie”.
9:17p – Commercials
9:20p – Queen Latifah has cornered Julianne Moore on her way to the restroom. Queen then tells us that the show is on CBS. Thanks Queen!
9:21p – We’re suddenly back into more commercials.
9:22p – Jenny from the block is introduced to present “Hollywood Animation Award” to How to Train Your Dragon 2. She flubs her lines and breaks down into the giggles.
Accepting the “award” is Gerard Butler SPOILER ALERT FOR DRAGON 2! DO NOT READ ANYMORE AND SKIP TO THE NEXT TIME SEGMENT! …whose character dies in the movie thus eliminating him from How to Train Your Dragon 3. Gerard makes fun of Jennifer Lopez for completely screwing up the introduction. He’s charming enough to make it not seem dickish.
9:26p – Queen Latifah is back in the audience trying to introduce Geena Davis, but some guy is behind her wandering back to his seat from the bathroom and it’s distracting her.
Geena is on stage and is presenting the “award” for “Hollywood Career Achievement to Batman/Beetlejuice.
The director cuts from a shot of Batman/Beetlejuice to a shot of New Batman who is sitting at the next table.
I see what you did there fake awards show director. Nice one.
9:32p – Batman/Beetlejuice walks on stage to a well deserved round of applause. He gives a short and funny speech about how people who win career achievement awards are usually dead or about to die. They play the career achievement award winner off the stage.
9:35p – Commercials
9:37p – Kristen Stewart who only has one expression is on stage to present the “Hollywood Actress” award to Julianne Moore. Again, this doesn’t sound like an award as much as it sounds like a job description. Anyway, like I said, Stewart only has one facial expression (it’s vapid) and her last good movie was Zathura. Julianne Moore is winning the “award” for the movie Still Alice which doesn’t come out until next January, so I no longer care.
9:42p – Johnny Depp walks on stage and then struggles with the stage microphone calling it “the weirdest” microphone he has ever seen in his life.
He fumbles around with it and makes a horrible racket before beginning his presentation for “Hollywood Documentary” for Supermensch. Depp is clearly hammered out of his gourd. They have to dump out of it and go right into the montage because Depp can’t stop swearing. After the montage Depp presents the award to Shep Gordon who comes on stage and then immediately presents the award to Mike Myers. Who the hell won this thing anyway? Apparently Wayne’s World won it because he does the acceptance speech while Gordon holds the award and Depp tries not to pass out behind him.
9:48p – Commercials
9:52p – Chadwick Boseman is introduced to present the “Hollywood Blockbuster Award” which I assume is given to defunct video rental stores. Actually they’re giving it to one of the best movies I saw this year, Guardians of the Galaxy. The director, James Gunn and Star Lord walk up to accept the award and dedicate it to all the outcasts out there. Gunn drops a “we are Groot” on everyone.
9:56p – 2012 Hollywood Film Award winner Amy Adams is next to present another award from the movie The Imitation Game. This time Benedryl Cumquat is winning “Hollywood Actor”. I no longer care. And yes, I know his name is Benedict Cumberbatch. He’s a great actor, I know, I know. I just like that I can call him Benedryl Cumquat and everyone still knows who I’m talking about.
10:00p – Commercials
10:03p – Opie Cunningham is next to present the final award of the night. THANK CHRIST. Opie is presenting the “Hollywood Film Award”. Wait; there is a category at the Hollywood Film Awards called the Hollywood Film Award? How far down does this rabbit hole go? Pretty far because they are giving the award to Gone Girl which is a great film but also a massive head fuck of a movie that left me dazed and in a stupor for about a week. New Batman walks on stage to accept the final award and talks bout the shower scene in the movie where we briefly see New Batman’s penis. GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!
10:08p – Queen Latifah bids us farewell. If they do this again next year I definitely have to buy more booze to get through it.
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