I have this incredible two hour window between my day job and my evening work and all I want to do is sit here, in my quiet room, with the curtains gently moving, and write. I haven’t had a chance to write a word. Not since I sat out on the terrace and bid adieu to that thoroughly nice chap who had captured my heart for a short while. It feels very long ago now. After I crawled back in through that window on that late summer’s morning, a season changed, a business I can call my own broke through the soil and has started….ever so slowly…to climb. I’ve become a student again and am filling what spare moments I have consuming yoga philosophy, observing the human anatomy, and nervously considering the prospect of taking that giant, unfathomable leap from the Beginners’ Back Row, I’ve inhabited so enthusiastically, to the very, very front…looking back. This transitional phase doesn’t seem to want to lull, but continues to twist and invert, tear against the seams of whatever makeshift structure of a life, a potential future, I construct. It is joyful, and it is painful, and there are times when I want nothing more than to cover my senses and run away, but somehow, with the help of loved ones and friends, I’m managing to stay with it all and keep moving forwards.
There are things that have happened since I crawled back in through that window that make me shudder and feel a little bit sick inside. Experiences that I want to share at some point…but not now. It isn’t the time.
There are things that have happened that have restored faith in humanity, reminded me of what is important, and what to let go. I’ve discovered boundaries I didn’t know I had the fire to construct. I’ve felt inner confidence and deep compassion in the face of extreme hostility and threat. I’ve felt this incredible warmth and comfort appearing through the ether at a time I thought many would turn their backs.
Before I settle back into a routine of yoga, pranayama, meditation, work, more work, learning and sharing on this blog….I wanted to pause for a moment and say thank you. Thank you to all my friends and family, my teachers, my inspirations, and my enemies.
After a couple of years of introspection it is easy to forget the importance of who we are in relationship to others….and yet it is through those interactions…whether they be of violence and hate, or love and tenderness…wherever on that vast and colourful spectrum….that we can really seek and discover.
