I saw an article yesterday claiming that a film version of Bananaman could appear in 2015. Do you remember Bananaman?
I get the feeling that someone is getting fired for this. In addition to the show having no plot or characters and less nostalgic value than The Smurfs there’s the potential horror that exists in it being a live action. What happens when young Eric peels off his skin to reveal a grown man dressed in a banana themed suit? Nightmare material right there.
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
With that horror in mind, let’s consider what else in the nostalgia archive should be kept far away from our cinemas – let they provide further trauma.
SuperTed
Recently there’s been a couple of features kicking around about Frozen and Tangled promoting Disney’s gay agenda, because apparently Disney gives a shit if you’re gay. Look, I’ve got news for you…if children’s cartoons had the power to make us homosexual SuperTed would have accomplished it decades ago. The trio of villains are a butch cowboy in chaps, a chunky man-child and an effeminate skeleton in pink slippers.
Subtle.
Even without the second rate Village People trying to pull heists in small town rural England this show is completely bat-shit insane, and a live action film would be the pre-school equivalent to LSD. A Spotty Man flies down from outer space in a rocket ship (for some reason), brings a teddy bear to life with cosmic dust (for some reason), took the bear to visit Mother Nature (for some reason) who gives him a magic potion that turns him in to a superhero (for some reason.
From there we get the disturbing image of the now sentient bear tearing off his skin to reveal his tight fitting costume. What do you suppose happens to the skin he discards? It appears he leaves it lying where-ever. Then the Spotty Man, a strangely phallic yellow thing covered in green spots. He’s questionable at the best of times.
More so here.
Also, he’s voiced by Jon Pertwee, best known as the third incarnation of the Doctor. Did anyone else know this?
The Snorks
The height of popularity of The Smurfs Hannah-Barbara cartoons commissioned the blatant water-themed rip-off The Snorks. The little blue buggers have already got a creepy big screen treatment (which turned Smurfette into Katy Perry) so some cocained up studio suit must be considering this. The aquatic nightmares would be cute if it wasn’t for the extended blowholes distending from their skulls.
They use their head tubes to propel themselves through the water, but they also use them to express their emotions and even exclaim a soul shattering ‘snork’ when alarmed. Basically these things are abominations and we should forever shun them to the depths.
Captain N The Gamemaster
During the 1980s the Nintendo marketing machine was in hyperdrive. Clothing catalogues was only the tip of the ice-berg. Movies used to plug the Power Glove, breakfast cereals, comic books, board games and some amazingly obnoxious TV shows. Just when you think it couldn’t get worse than the Super Mario Bros. Super Show and it’s mind bending bullshit you find Captain N The Gamemaster, about a twerp who gets sucked through his TV into a weird Nintedoland. By this thing.
Seriously, what the fuck was that thing? Seriously.
The show was a clusterfuck of Nintendo references written by people who have only heard vague descriptions of the characters. Take a look at the following image and try and guess who these people are supposed to be.
You might need some help with that. The girl is Princess Lana because apparently all of Nintendo’s princesses are busy being kidnapped to play a real character. The Zapp Brannigan in the parka is Simon Belmont from Castlevania somehow. The green thing behind him is Mega Man, because someone managed to get that design wrong. And that thing they’re on is a sentient Game Boy because they forgot how to be subtle. Turning these things into a live action would it cause a global nerd meltdown, but that’s not why the show should never be a movie.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…
…HHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. That…thing was unpleasant enough to look at when it was second rate animation. It’s supposed to be Mother Brain from Metroid in case you couldn’t make the connection. Just to complete the picture it has the same voice as Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors.
Yeah.
The Magic Roundabout
I’m not going to describe why this nightmare shouldn’t be a live action movie. I’m just going to put this picture of the cast up.
And play the theme music.
That damp feeling is your sanity dripping away. Enjoy your sleep.
