An incredible amount of worry and scholarly discourse has been dedicated to the potential devastation of a Zombie Apocalypse. There’s a lot of talk about stockpiling rations, antibiotics and firearms but let’s take a moment to focus on the positive– many wonderful things will arise from a worldwide pandemic of brain-devouring undead.
#1. The Following Demographics Will Likely Be Eradicated:
a. People who think that Alaska is an island down by hawaii.
b. People who think God made America 2,013 years ago
c. People who don’t understand how babies happen
Think of all the emotional energy you’ll save when you no longer have to resist the urge to inform these fellow humans just how stupid they are.
#2. You’ll Have Permission to Commit Random Acts of Violence:
The underlying reason why we’re all so attracted to the idea of a zombie apocalypse is that it allows a moral justification for bashing your obnoxious neighbor or overbearing coworker with a shovel. Start making your list now so that you can be ready when the outbreak strikes.
#3. You’ll Never Have to Go Back to The DMV:
In a post-zombie-apocalyptic world there will be no need for properly tagged license plates. This most odious of annual chores will fall by the wayside as roads become increasingly clogged by stalled vehicles and horses re-inherit the earth as the most ideal form of transportation. Do not fail to include the DMV employees on your list from #2.
#4. You Will Finally Make Physical Fitness A Priority:
It’s difficult to find the time for a workout when you aren’t dealing with the threat of getting bit. Now, running will not only be “a way of life,” it will be the ONLY way of life. Think of all the 5Ks you can brag about to the other survivors.
#5. Every day Will Be Like Black Friday:
Who doesn’t enjoy the opportunity to knock down the weakest amongst us and trample them in an attempt to reach vital resources?
#6. A Return to Agrarian and Nomadic Lifestyles:
People pay top dollar to learn how to simplify and center their lives. This paradigm will be yours for free— you’ll learn to embrace the soul-refreshing practice of growing your own food, and develop a respect for all of God’s creatures by surviving on squirrel meat. So many of us never find the time to travel, but the search for a safe, windowless structure (preferably a prison) will keep you moving and experiencing new things.
What do YOU think would be the best outcome of a Zombie Apocalypse? Have you made your preparations? Who’s the first “zombie” you’ll go after with a shovel?
