5.) Acknowledge that there is a universe in which his or her point is valid: However, tell your adversary that this is contingent upon theoretical physicists being correct that there are an infinite number of universes, each governed by a different set of laws–at least a some of which would have to be stupid. This is called the bubble-verse flummox.
4.) Challenge him or her to a duel: This will require that you carry a well-worn leather glove wherever you go. For it’s not so much the words that produce an effect as the slap across the cheek. You are going for decibels. You can’t pull this off with a cotton glove, a rusty metal gauntlet, or a stiff leather work-glove. You need the glove to have some weight and to be able to put some whip into it. This is called the Aaron Burr.
3.) Talk to your adversary as if that person were a beloved household pet. This will involve both head tousling and inquiries as to, “Who’s a good boy?” It’s called the canine gambit.
2.) Ask your adversary whether he or she is trying to seduce you. It doesn’t matter how mundane or technical the subject is (trade pacts, non-proliferation agreement, etc.), this one is almost guaranteed to shut down opposition. It’s called the Mrs. Robinson.
1.) Say, “The game is afoot!” and then just walk off. It’s very important that you don’t respond to any question about what this means or whether you’re insane. Furthermore, one must break off all contact with the adversary for several days there after. Stew time is necessary. I call this one, The Sherlock.
