One does not simply make predictions. One just opens his ears to the universe’s whispers.
If I wanted to predict the future accurately, unlike all the other blogs making predictions about 2013 right about now, I knew I had to get in touch with my inner spirit animal. In order to do that I knew I would have to become one with nature.
So I fasted from Asheville beer. I didn’t touch a biscuit or grits for nearly two months. I stood outside in the grass and welcomed the cold wind on my exposed nipples. I chatted with the neighborhood’s stray cats. I took a whole box of Nyquil, because I came down with a cold.
All my sacrifices finally paid off last night as my inner spirit animal Squirt the Chipmunk visited me in my dreams. Here is what Squirt squeaked at me:
1. David Forbes or Jake Frankel of the Mountain Xpress will be drafted by the Asheville Citizen Times
Jake Frankel
David Forbes
Despite being passed up in last year’s Asheville Citizen Times Draft of Mountain Xpress reporters, we hear these two reporters have been training hard in the off-season. Frankel has significantly improved his 40-yard dash time and Forbes is benching laptops like a beast.
Frankel and Forbes are projected as the two top picks on both Todd McShay’s and Mel Kiper Jr.’s draft board. McShay gives Forbes a slight edge due to his shifty Twitter fingers, but Kiper has faith in the old dog, Frankel. It will be interesting to see whom the Asheville Citizen Times will pick.
2. Food Bikes will be the new Food Trucks
But no worries you Asheville tree huggers, food bikes are on the way and they emit zero emissions. Chefs pedaling to power their flattop grill, while chopping an onion on the handlebars. Hell that is what we call a dinner and a show folks.
3. A lot of you are going to get fat with all this beer in town
But in 2013 I get to smile. This is finally the year your metabolism slows down and you join the rest of us overweight fools, who thought we could drink all the local beers we wanted, because everybody seemed to be doing it and everybody seems to be so fit in this town. Cocktails will come back in a big way in 2013 not because we’re sophisticated 60′s salesmen, but because we still need to fulfill our alcoholic desires except with fewer calories.
4. The next great Downtown Asheville business will be an automated Person Wash
The Downtown Business Improvement District Board is expected to hire a private company that will provide cleaning and graffiti removal service. But will that company be taking sponges to citizens?
If you are young entrepreneur and like taking advice from a person with no business sense listen up! An automated person wash would make such a killing in Downtown Asheville. You could even get a step up on the competition by offering free vacuum service like Gorilla Car Wash.
5. Asheville will be around another 365 days
But you know what they say, whatever the street preachers say at Bele Chere the opposite is true. A lot of the street preachers said the end was near, which means unfortunately, we all are going to be here a very, very long time. So get to know your neighbor, who plays Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ extra loud at 3:00 a.m., because you better believe that guy is going to prevent you from sleeping another 365 days.
Stay tired my friends!
