Congratulations on making it through another holiday season without taking a straight razor to your wrists!
By now, you’re probably feeling plucky enough to tackle that pile of mail you’ve been ignoring for weeks. You sift through it, finding the typical junk – parking violation, carpet cleaning coupon, $5 from Nana, and then… There they are: the smug little photo cards your married friends send to prove their lives have meaning.
Before social media came along to destroy our productivity and self-esteem, receiving holiday photos in the mail was mildly tolerable, because we only had to see them once a year. But thanks to Facebook and overly-proud parents, we now have to endure images of these little varmints every goddamned day. So getting a super-staged, extra-airbrushed picture at Christmastime is enough to make the rest of us lonely, pathetic, childless folk go totally Amanda Bynes.
These narcissistic knobs need to understand that we’ve had enough!
Follow these suggestions, and you’re guaranteed to receive the best holiday gift of all time: banishment from the holiday card mailing list FOREVER.
1. One Up the Bastards
If you’re one of those bashful, proper types (a.k.a., passive-aggressive) who don’t want to rock the boat too hard, try this tactic: send your own photo card of your bad self in a two-piece showing off that hot, took-care-of-it-before-the-second-trimester body.
2. Look Kids, New Mom!
Physique not so hot? Worry not, there are other means. In fact, why not get creative and really capture their attention? A couple of YouTube tutorials on Photoshop and voila! Ashton and Tucker have a new mommy – you!
Before:
After:
Make this your profile pic on Facebook. Tag the husband.
3. Play the Psychopath Card
Tell your friend how the precious little snapshot of Zabrina and Jagg inspired you to get back into experimental art. Politely ask her to send more pics right away because you’re planning on showcasing them in your uber-hip transgendered best friend’s loft gallery downtown at the end of the month and look how awesome they look!
Before: After:
4. Sex Tape, Obviously
This is a bit like suggestion number one in which you one up the dicks, but this time you’re pulling out the big guns. Show them how much hot action you’re getting that they’re not, being all betrothed till death and stuff. A smokin’ hot guy is a must here. Or two. And trust, it is not difficult to find some twinkie to bang your brains out on tape – in fact, you may have to hold auditions with three call-back sessions.
Make sure he’s got a big wiener.
This is also the time to live out your wildest sexual fantasies. Handcuffs and a pig mask? GET IT ON TAPE. Anal in a kiddie pool filled with linguine? FILM THAT SHIT. Then slap it on a flash drive and send it out to your wedded frenemies asking them to keep on sending the kiddie pics, because gosh they’re so darned cute.
5. And If You’re a Dude…
Thus far, most of these strategies have been focused on the ladies. But if you’re a man, you’re in luck. Pay no mind to the aforementioned ploys because you’ve got an ace in the hole, my friend, and it requires no special skills or planning. All you gotta do is copy and paste the following paragraph into a quick note to your friend:
Hey buddy! Got the pics of your CRAZY sexy adorable kids – holy shit I just want to touch and squeeze and love on them till I burst! Hey if you and the missus ever need a break I would LOVE to babysit them on the regular because I actually have tons of free time now that I lost my job as the neighborhood ice cream man (parents can be so sensitive) and by the way you didn’t happen to catch Dateline last week because it wasn’t me and also can we start right away because I’ve seen all the episodes of Toddlers & Tiaras like twice. (Love that show!) Let me know, bro!
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