Dear friends,
I seem to have come down with the flu. I’m disappointed because I had so much work I was supposed to do today and now the thought of reading a textbook and answering question banks seems a little out of my reach for now.
Instead, I thought, maybe I should curl back up in bed and write to you. It’s been a while, and I am sorry for that. This whole year has been such a big beautiful mess. I haven’t much felt like myself a lot of the time. More like – carving a new/old self out of whatever remained after my daughter died.
One thing I have been throughout this year, however – is present. Life forced me to be. I can’t be anywhere else but now. I can’t be any way else but this.
I am pregnant again. I had shared the news of this pregnancy a few weeks ago on instagram, so this may not be new to you.
But it has been 28 weeks of growing a little sister for Mia.
Our first daughter Mia, died at 25 weeks, and I needed to cross that week before I could share this with you.
But it has been 28 weeks. And our baby is still alive. And every day of this pregnancy is a blessing, and every week of this pregnancy is a step into the beautiful glittering darkness of life.
Over the last year, I have come to know and cherish many friendships with mothers of babies in heaven – and I feel very conscious that pregnancy announcements, as wonderful and hopeful as they are, can also be a trigger for the loss that we have experienced. For that – I am sorry. I don’t want to hurt anyone. And I hope that this news reaches your tender heard in the most gentle way that it can.
This pregnancy has been kinder to my body than the last time. I had/have morning sickness but not nearly as bad as the first time. I didn’t have to go into hibernation for months.
I would like to share with you some photos of the last 28 weeks on this wonderful but scary and uncertain journey of pregnancy after loss. I have plans to share this story in a different way this time, maybe a little home movie that I would like to put together for our baby, and for you. So for now, I hope you enjoy these photos.
Waiting for our first doctors appointment. The first of many to come.
10 weeks pregnant. I felt huge! Little did I know that this was just the beginning and I was about to become the size of a house.
Hiding a little bump, a little secret, when we went for a wedding reception.
I’m on daily aspirin tablets and Lovenox shots (to keep my blood thin). Administered to me by courageous husband who faced his fear of needles and is now an expert! It has become our little evening routine now. 126 injections down so far!
Wearing my first Lovenox bruise.
Visiting Mia’s stream in the summer, carrying her little sister within me. After Mia died, I felt so desperate to be pregnant again. I believed that if I could just be pregnant again, then losing my daughter would be easier on me. That her due date would hurt less because now I had another due date to look forward to. But I was wrong. Being pregnant again has definitely given me threads of hope to hold on to, but Mia was my first baby and this is my second baby. They are siblings, they are their own two beings – one cannot replace the other. One cannot heal the other. They just exist together in my life. I am home to both of them.
14 weeks with Mia on the left, and 14 weeks with our rainbow baby on the right.
We have appointments every 2 weeks to check our daughter is growing okay.
18 weeks pregnant, on the way to surprise my parents in BC, and stuck in the middle of nowhere from a flat tire in our rental car.
Had a special chance to see my best friend Kat in Vancouver.
When morning sickness rears it’s ugly head.
Love when our puppy puts her paw on my belly.
22 weeks with my love. I’m so glad he is the father of our babies.
I bleed a lot now. This was from just one tiny injection that continued to bleed all night while I slept. I’ve decided to just embrace the blood and the constant laundry.
15 weeks pregnant with my husband and sister in law 🙂 How cute does she look?!
The softness of us.
24 weeks
25 weeks
26 weeks. When your rainbow baby outgrows your rainbow shirt!
27 weeks and matching pjs
At around 24/25 weeks I developed this irrational fear of going into the hospital. I am so aware of this baby’s movements, and I worry when she doesn’t swirl around as much as she usually does. There have been a few evenings where I lay in bed, counting kicks, and contemplating if we should go into the Labour and Delivery triage or not. But I was scared. And I was scared to be scared.
I developed this fear that by going into the hospital at this time, I would somehow be roped into giving birth to her before she was ready, before I was ready. Because that’s what happened last time.
This time my husband and my mom practically dragged me into the hospital, and I’m glad they did. The hospital staff were so kind and understanding, and reassured me that our baby was still alive.
Sometimes I feel like having a medical background holds me back from getting things checked out. Because I feel silly. Because I feel “it’s probably nothing.”
And maybe it is probably nothing.
But it means something to me.
And at the very least, that should be enough.
Cuddles
If you are wondering why I look like a melty marshmellowy hot mess in this photo. That’s because that is exactly what I am. I couldn’t fit into this dress ( all the zips are open), baby had gone through a sudden growth spurt and my skin was stretched so tight on my belly that everything hurt. I could barely breathe. That lasted around 3 days and then magically resolved. Weird?
Last time, I had plans for everything. I had plans and dreams for a whole year into the future. Now, I can’t even envision what next week will look like. And maybe that’s okay. That’s one of the the gifts my first daughter gave me.
As I mentioned before, I’m working on something special to share this pregnancy with you in a different way to what I have done before. I would like to start experimenting with beautiful home movies and spoken word poetry. So let’s see how that goes! Watch this space.
All my love to all of you,
Thank you once again, for creating the space for me to share these stories of my life with you.
