2016: We Aren’t Potty Trained

2015 has come and is gone the way of anyone’s intestines after a two-hour long Indian food fest: down the drain, hopefully without the help of a plunger or a plumber.

Let me further this metaphor, and I apologize ahead of time if you are currently eating. Let’s imagine that each year represents a pair of underwear in America’s history. I don’t know why we would imagine that, but let’s do it anyway. If this year was a pair of underpants, it’s skid marks have, uh, stained the country and left it embarrassed in front of its friends.

Let me present my poop–I mean proof.

Lots of people died that shouldn’t have died. I’m looking mostly at the young, male, black population. I mean, cops shot a 12 year old boy and a 55 year-old grandmother because apparently catching actual bad guys isn’t a thing they like to do anymore. They like to BE the bad guys. If I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that a blind mixed martial arts prodigy is going to start kicking ass and taking names. Don’t click that link. Or do, if you’re brave.
The Secret Racist People have become less secret. People are decrying Obama’s presidency as “the worst thing that ever happened, ever, since Eve ate the apple and we got kicked out of naked fun-time land.” Which is actually ridiculous. If anyone studied politics (I have a degree in Political Science because I’m a loser) they’d know that Obama is basically slightly more liberal than Ronald Reagan. And also that he’s improved things by a jillion. AND he’s probably the most attractive president since John F. Kennedy. All of these are verifiable facts, by the way. I don’t lie. I’m terrible at it.
Then there’s that whole Donald Trump-thing. I can’t even touch that dookie anymore. Engaging in anything related to Donald Trump is a lot like when you take your dog for a walk and reach down to pick up its poop, pick it up, and then realize you forgot to put the bag on your hand and now you’re just holding a giant fistful of digested kibbles.
We can no longer like Bill Cosby because apparently Bill Cosby is the worst. Like, the actual worst. He and Donald Trump should go be awful somewhere. Ugh. Gross.
People in Idaho are literally “praying” for a refugee center to close because they don’t want to accept any Syrian refugees. I am counter-praying in hoping that the entire population of Syria moves to Idaho and promptly eats all their potatoes.
Also, apparently in all of this shit, we’ve forgotten how to be kind to each other. The internet is a treasure trove of insults. Hell, I just threw out a few aimed at police and The Donald and Bill Cosby. I’m sure most police officers are good people. But let me reaffirm that most Donald Trumpses that are famous, and most Bill Cosbies that are famous, are not good people.

If we want to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, we must first remember how to use the bathroom: that is to say, we must get rid of our shit without throwing it all over the place. We need to handle our business. We need to spray Febreeze after we use the restroom. We need to then wash our hands.

What I’m saying is, I guess, at the very core of it all, is that America needs help wiping. Here’s looking at you, Canada.

PS. I am sorry about all the poop jokes.