If you hadn’t guessed by the plethora of love-hearts in shop windows and the nervous sweat running down your waiter’s face, Valentine’s Day is coming up.
If you care about this sort of thing – and loads of people do – it can be a stressful time. If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it can be even more of a trial, especially when, for the rest of the year, you’ve got dickhead couples pulling all this kind of crap on you:
1. Share puddings.
“Two spoons, please” is a knife in the throat of any self-respecting singleton. And food-sharing is really unsexy. Especially if it’s a recently defrosted cheesecake in a Harvester.
2. Hold hands everywhere.
No, seriously, you’re in my way. I have to be somewhere. You may want to spend your days ambling dreamily hand-in-hand, but, guys, you’re in the middle of a really busy Tesco Express and I’m trying to reach the tenderstem.
3. Argue in Ikea.
The most boring, cliché, coupletastic thing any gruesome twosome can do. Even worse is boasting about getting round the entire store without arguing. Well done you. It’s a shop, not the north face of the Eiger.
4. Flirt with single people in supermarkets.
You know you do it. Don’t blame the innocent singletons drifting by with their trolley. We didn’t make you look. And now you’re arguing. Great.
5. Tweet at each other things they could’ve said in a text, or at home, or just absolutely anywhere other than in public.
6. Use pet names for each other outside of their own house.
7. Spooning.
Or going on about it all the time. Spooning, for the uninitiated, is a cutesy name for lying next to each other on your side, bodies packed in tight. It’s actually only remotely pleasant for the person in front – the little spoon – as they get to a) breathe and b) feel the ‘junk’ of the other person pressing into their back. The poor hapless soul behind gets a mouthful of hair, restricted breathing and a catatonic romantic crushing their genitals.
8. Ruin social occasions by having a huge row.
Even worse is when they spit their pet names at each other at dinner parties, or maybe in supermarkets (see above) during a row where they are trying to keep their hands off each other, for all the wrong reasons.
9. Refuse to socialise separately.
10. When you do get them on their own, talk about nothing but their relationship.
11. Slag off dating apps as “shallow and soulless”.
It’s like suddenly turning against single beds or ready meals for one just because you don’t need them any more.
12. Say things like “One day you’ll find someone, don’t worry”.
13. Set you up with their other friendless, socially awkward pals.
14. Take ‘couple selfies’.
15. Arriving late to cinemas/planes etc and expecting everyone to shift around so they can sit together.
16. Make cow eyes at each other if they don’t get to sit together on public transport.
17. Split up and get back together every two minutes.
This is especially testing if you are a particularly frank friend – or maybe just a massive bitch. You will inevitably lay down some seriously real talk about why the breakup happened on how one was really bad for the other. Then, after your friend has tearfully agreed they are better off without this rotten apple, they’ll get a text and will zoom off, back to his arms, making you look like an acidic old gossip.
Got any more annoying things couples do? Tweet me, baby.
More like this:
Say no to couple envy
Why supermarkets make the singleton sad
