Did you see the trailer for X-Men: Days of Future Past? Holy smokes, that was fantastic! Possibly the greatest ensemble cast ever assembled for a franchise mash-up the likes of which we haven’t seen before. Watch it here:
That moustache is amazing, Dinklage. You may have noticed a number of new faces among the cast. Don’t worry, we’ll explain who they are in a future article. Today we’re breathing a sigh of relief that these characters weren’t included.
#13 – Shatterstar
This Rob Liefeld creation had a difficult start in life by being created by Rob Liefeld. The artists trademark horribleness is reflected in Shatterstar’s ridiculous weapon choice (swords with two parallel blades), a mullet, strange headgear and matching shoulder pads, dozens of pouches and muscles growing out of his muscles. He was intended to be the latest in a line of ultimate-badass characters who tried to out-Wolverine the Wolverine, so his mutant powers involved being super-strong, super-fast and super-tough. Mild regeneration powers are complimented by the unusual ability to shift his organs around at will. This is the character an 8 year old would devise to piss off his friends while playing X-Men in the playground.
#12 – Stacy X
In an attempt to be edgier the writers brought in a character who had grown up in a mutant brothel. She has lizard skin and can control pheromones, giving her opponents unsolicited orgasms. “Oh no, you got me. I’ll give you 25 minutes to stop.”
#11 – Dazzler
You saw this coming. Dazzler can turn music into light. She would bravely put on 1980s style rock concerts with her amazing gift and wear roller skates into battle. No.
#10 – Cypher
Cypher has the power of omnilinguistics – the ability to understand all languages. Kind of handy in the real world, but not very exciting in an action movie. Basically he was created to have a hacker in the group during the pioneering days of the internet, since he could ‘understand’ computer language.
#9 – Skin
The purplish Skin has…skin. A strangely specific extra six feet to be precise. He can kinda stretch his skin in combat making him similar to Mr Fantastic, if Mr Fantastic was made of useless dangly skin.
#8 – Adam X the X-Treme
The only way this guy would be more embedded in the late 90s would be if he was a member of Limp Bizkit (I may have spelt that wrong but I honestly don’t care). Another wannabe badass, he can run super fast, has super-athletic powers and is super good with swords (which he attaches to his costume like bits of flair). He can also ‘flash-fry’ peoples blood, causing electronic surges, but only if they’ve already been cut. It’s not known if his glorious Fabio hair and reverse baseball cap are part of his eclectic combination of powers.
#6/7 – Slipstream and Lifeguard
This brother/sister are despised because of their ridiculous over-powered abilities. Slipstream can open unrestricted portals in space and time while Lifeguard’s powers change to solve whatever dilemma she’s in. This is a little tempered though – Slipstream can only traverse the void by…riding it on a surfboard. He’s the only superhero who carries a boogie board into battle. Lifeguard on the other hand…doesn’t HAVE any limitations on her powers so her very presence destroys all tension and sense of danger in a story.
#5 – Kylun
Kylun is a furrie who can mimic any sound. He has the powers of a lyrebird created at a time when Thundercats were popular.
#4 – Choir
So Choir has a bunch of extra mouths around her neck and…and…urgh, I don’t feel so good…
#3 – Wraith
Invisibility is pretty freak’n awesome. It ranks pretty high on the powers most people want. Wraith’s fortunate it to have it…except it only works on his skin. Charging into battle armed with the ability to make your opponent queasy is…crap. At least he can hide any embarrassing tattoos.
#2 – Maggott
Possibly the results of a writer ingesting some bad dairy products, Maggott has one of the most nonsensical and revolting powers ever. Instead of a stomach his digestive system is two bio-mechanical giant maggots that burrow harmlessly through his flesh to eat things. Also his skin is blue. How any of this helps his deal with Magneto is a mystery.
#1 – Beak
This chap has a beak, feathers and hollow bones…but can’t fly. Fuck you, beak.
