I just read a story in the New York Times about five girls in California who want to join the Boy Scouts. They claim Girl Scouts are just too lame and tame. They want to spend less time selling cookies, whispering and giggling and more time camping, tying shit up, and lighting fires. These five tweens named themselves The Unicorns, made their own uniforms, and went to the Boy Scout council in their district, stood up before those big scary men and said, in so many words, "You should just let us in." And you know what I say to that?
You go, girl unicorns.
Some of the moms of the boys in the troop are not happy. They claim they don't want their sons sleeping in tents with girls. (What mother does?). But I - and some others quoted in this Times story - suspect there might be just a little bit of fear that the girls are going to take all the leadership roles and merit-badge the heck out of the whole thing, bringing the battle of the sexes to a whole 'nother level.
The Unicorns' response to this is, in so many words, "In the real world, these guys will have to deal with chicks, so let's get that started now."
I believe this should happen, but not because I think the Scouts should be unisex. I think these girls should go in, shake things up, kick a little khaki-clad ass, and then leave. They will leave, you know. Because they'll soon figure out that, while Boy Scouts have BB guns, pocket knives, rope and other things your might normally see in the trunk of a car on Criminal Minds, the coolness stops there.
I should know, because I've been on both sides of the gender scout dividing line. I was a Girl Scout myself and a Daisy and Brownie scout leader for my daughter. And when my boys were young, I was a Cub Scout Den Mother. Then Assistant Cubmaster. Then Temporary Head Cubmaster Because the Real One Kept Getting Too Busy. I myself, with three children and a dog, had nothing better to do than plan pack meetings, type up agendas, assign snacks, and try to turn the Masonic Lodge into something less dusty and sad, but that's neither here nor there.
My only memory of these pack meetings was not all the great things that I planned and executed. But of the one time I messed up by hiring a Santa Claus to pass out Pinewood Derby kits to all the boys in the pack and forgetting to get something for all the little siblings who were also there. The memory of 5-year-old Frank H., crying his head off that Santa didn't even give him as much as a mini candy cane - something that is given out for free in most banks - and Santa shooting daggers at me through the white cotton is not something you forget easily. I tried to tell Frank that the Pinewood Derby cars, while wrapped up in shiny gold paper, were not really presents; they were going to get them anyway; it was my brilliant idea to have Santa pass them out, but Frank couldn't hear me through all the crying.
So you could say I experienced Boy Scouts about as thoroughly as a girl can. There are some things The Unicorns should be prepared for.
The popcornNo, you don't have to sell cookies, but you have to sell the male equivalent: popcorn. Every winter - of course it has to be in the winter - we had to stand in front of Walmart with my card table, and try to convince bargain shoppers that they should spend roughly one-third of their weekly food budget on a sweet and savory food item with absolutely no nutritional value. This is harder than you think. Until they make a Thin Mint flavored popcorn, the Boy Scouts are going to be eagle-belt-buckle deep in their pre-paid allotment of product.
Boy ADDBoys have even less of an attention span than girls at any given age bracket. Any girls in a troop would surely feel the frustration I felt while trying to teach the boys how to tie knots, knots that I myself stayed up past midnight on two consecutive nights to learn. Did you know that a 10-year-old boy with enough motivation can literally climb a wall? And the motivation is his friends make armpit fart noises while he's doing it? And that the lady in the center of the room will eventually tie your knots for you and check your merit badge sheet? Well now you know.
Pinewood Derby angstThe Pinewood Derby is a scam. It's supposed to teach boys about gentlemanly competition and the accomplishment that comes from building something with your own two hands. In real life it's about whether your dad is a construction worker or spends his days typing on a computer. Also you learn a lot of new words when your mom stabs herself in the palm with an Exacto knife.
The testosteroneNot from the boys. They are still prepubescent enough to be just plain annoying in a non-hormonal way, at least until the last couple of years. The Boy Scout dads are another story. Imagine all the men who aren't into participation sports so they can't be obnoxious from the bleachers. Where do you think they are? At the Boy Scout meeting at the Masonic Lodge, that's where.
The hygiene. Or lack thereofThe first time my son went to a weekend camping excursion after graduating from the mom-organized Cub Scouts to the more manly Boy Scouts, I called one of the more veteran moms and asked why a toothbrush and toothpaste were not on the list of items to bring. After she stopped laughing, she told me this: Boy Scouts don't brush their teeth on camping trips. They don't brush or wash anything, for that matter. Their schedule starts before dawn, but they can't find five minutes to run a comb through their hair. They hand carry 10 gallon jugs of water to the campsite, but they can't use a few cups of it to splash some water on their faces. The good news for The Unicorns: The smell helps to ward off predatory animals.
