You Get out What You Put In!

It's funny how things can change in an instant
I don't know quite when it happened but I have gone from being slightly apathetic about treatment to being really quite motivated
At Last! I hear you cry!
All of a sudden I am incredibly angry with my ED
My ED had always been like a friend
Something to turn to in tough times
And of course she manipulates me in to thinking that she wants to help me
That she wants to be there for me
That she has my best interests at heart
That she is the only one that gets me and understands me
She tricked me in to believing that being thin is the only thing that matters
This illness is so sinister
The bottom line is that she wants be dead
She won't be happy until I am so miserable and sick that I either do it myself or let her do it
Not gonna happen anorexia!
I'm not going to be another statistic
Another young life that this illness has claimed
I won't let that happen
My family are getting increasingly frustrated with me
And I understand that
A lot of the time I think that no one notices my behaviours
I was the same in active addiction
I thought no one knew that I was using
But in reality everyone knows
Anyone with a pair of eyes in their head can see what I am doing
My behaviours are still very out of control
The purging is off the scale
I am afraid to tell you how much money I am spending on food
What a waste?
It's all such a terrible waste
A waste of time
A waste of money
A waste of a life
I am preparing myself for a tough road in treatment
If I do it properly and do the right thing it will be really difficult
But I am ready
I'm willing to do the work
Mary always tells me that 'You get out what you put in'
I want to get a lot out so I'm going to put a lot in
I have no idea what my weight is as I have stopped weighing
I'm not letting my scale have that power over me any more
It's held me prisoner for long enough
I'm thinking that when I go in to treatment that I won't bring my laptop
Therefore I won't be blogging
I hope you understand
I just need to focus on myself for a while
But of course if any one wants to stay touch please feel free to email me
I want a better life
For a long time I was content to live this way but I am just so fed up of entertaining anorexia and bulimia
I am so tired of their never ending appetite
Of their never ending demands
I want to wake up in the morning and not dread the day ahead
I want to be able to walk past a shop without being drawn in to buy binge food
I want to stand on my scale and be happy when I see I am a healthy weight
I want my family not to be so very worried about me all the time
I want to leave my house without feeling like a ball of anxiety
I want my friends back
I want to like a boy and get butterflies in my tummy when I see him
I want to be able to manage my money
I want to be able to look in the mirror and say 'Not too shabby'
I want  the constant tape in my head to shut up
I want to write about something other than my ED
I want to think about something other than my ED
I want to travel
I want to be more spontaneous
I want to be happy in my own skin
I want to be able so say 'I used to have an eating disorder'
I want to be able to say 'I am in recovery'
I want to my life back
I want to live