For this Wordless Wednesday, I thought I’d take you on a walk through some of my favorite places, point out the sights, and let you soak in the pleasures of the New York City and (gasp) New Jersey. Yes, people, New Jersey does have its pleasures aside from the obvious ones: Snooki and Chris Christie.
So lace up those sneakers (preferably not white, and please, for the love of God, don’t wear them with those jean shorts you save for the warmer months. And put away the Lexis Nexis tote. And the faux Coach fanny pack. The sun visor. The guidebook with each page diligently flagged. Put all of that, away please.) We’ll deal with the hairstyle on another visit. Stretch out those legs, and let’s start walking this way, we’re heading south of 14th St. First stop, the Meatpacking District….
Rise and shine! Early mornings call for early morning walks with a gorgeous redhead (my dog). I love the Meatpacking District when it’s quiet. Nothing but cobblestone streets and the smell of urine. Oh, and those men who manage to get themselves all dressed up with full hair, makeup and platform shoes by 6:30AM, I don’t know how they do it. Must ask them for some time management tips on one of my next walks.)
Desperate heat calls for watermelon juice. If you’re walking through the streets, drinking a beverage, best to have a lid on it. See that AC hanging out the window behind me? Every apartment has at least one, so there are a lot of these units, stacked vertically as far as the eye can see. And they drip antifreeze or cooling fluid- whatever that stuff is- all over your head when you walk. But don’t let that be an excuse to whip out the sun visor I told you to put away. Actually, pass me that please, we’ll put it in the trash together.
It heats up so much in Manhattan that the fire hydrants explode.
Which is obviously the most awesome thing ever when you’re a kid. And yes, the rumors are all true, New York City kids grow up thinking that a busted fire hydrant is a playground. We’re not like the fancy Suburban people with lawns and things.
Just kidding. That’s my yacht over there, the white one that looks like a shimmering goddess in the morning light. Her name is Venus. No genital-related jokes please, it makes her uncomfortable. And her staff will get upset. They got so defensive one time, they even tried to keep me from coming on board. They didn’t care that I was yelling “that’s my boat! She’s mine!”, they just each grabbed an elbow from each side and hauled me off like I was a felon.
Now that you think that I’m some kind of low life, I’ve got to do some serious damage control. Here, look, a snapshot of my lunch that day. A green tomato salad with a citrus vinaigrette and generous grind of fresh black pepper.
Even more evidence. We spa, regularly. Even my youngest knows that it’s essential to keep your feet well-groomed. Just this weekend she asked me for some nail scissors to trim her own cuticle. The next thing I knew she’d grabbed “Pamplona Purple” and was giving herself a pedi. Never mind that it ended up looking like a serial killer-victim toe. Or a lawnmower accident toe. That’s not important.
And I mean, how much more refined can you be than rose in the summertime.
Ignore the one-armed opener. And Ernie. And Cookie Monster. Who by the way looks really guilty for having gotten Ernie drunk. And now Ernie’s passed out and Cookie Monster is wondering if he’ll get in trouble for bringing Ernie to the hospital. Because he’s the one who supplied Ernie with the booze even though Ernie was underage. You’re in deep s&*t C-Monster. I’m staying out of this one.
And the ultimate in refinement, a gorgeous sunset. Although it’s pretty hard to feel refined when you think this might actually be the end of the world.
For example, didn’t Indy have this same problem once? After someone opened that damned Ark and the premonition came true?
Colonel Musgrove: [pointing to a beam of light] “Now what’s that supposed to be coming out of there?”
Indiana: “Lightning. Fire. Power of God or something.”
Sorry to end things on that note, but hopefully you guys had a good time on our tour!
