I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I spend quite a bit of time procrastinating and avoiding my responsibilities. My heart is racing right now because I’m supposed to be outside making sales, but instead I’m sitting on the computer wasting time. I really don’t know why. And the sad thing is my livelihood is on the line- if I don’t make enough money this month I might be homeless, but instead of having the motivation to get out there and hustle, I’m avoiding life and responsibility. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself, it drives me crazy that I waste so much time. I really don’t enjoy sitting here doing nothing, especially where it causes my anxiety to increase and in doing so makes it even harder for me to get out.
But I keep doing it.
On top of that, I’m not even spending the extra time working on increasing my blog’s readership, which is something I want to do, but as usual I’ve spent all day doing nothing and disliking every minute of it. I know that I’m lazy, I have been for many years. But what I don’t understand is why I can’t break this fucking habit. I’ve tried over the years to break it, but to no avail. I just don’t have the drive and/or energy (which is also the same excuse I give for not having friends, or why I’m not interested in dating). I know it sounds pathetic, I fully realize that, I’m disgusted with myself (I know what you are going to say, if you really are so frustrated with yourself why not change. And David don’t tell me “you don’t know” it’s a fucking cop out- which is what I’m screaming at myself right now. Great now I’m having three conversations in my head, this is getting confusing).
Ugh. This all started senior year of high school. I got accepted to Whittier College at the beginning of the school year and spent the rest of the year doing absolutely nothing. I dropped out of all of my advanced science classes, switched to finite math and stopped doing my homework as I found that I could get A’s on all of my tests my tests and still pass (I did, however, stay in AP English and European history as both subjects were a passion of mine). I convinced myself that I could take the year off because when I started college I’d go back to working hard. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. My laziness carried over and I spent little time studying during college; although I did graduate with honors, multiple degrees and I was able graduate a year early. The reason this was possible was due to the fact that all three of my majors (Political Science, History and Religious Studies) were writing intensive (something I’m gifted at) and I was able to figure out how to make each of my AP credits worth triple the amount of college credits. Again, I convinced myself that once I graduated college I would start working hard, but my laziness continued as I found jobs that were made easy by my talents. Fast forward a decade and you can see why I’m struggling to break this habit.
I really wish I could go back to my senior year of high school and kick my younger self in the ass, to stop this annoying cycle. So I’m really fucking stuck. Yes, I know I shouldn’t be using this as an excuse, but I can’t figure out any other reasoning for my lack of motivation.
Now that I look back on this post, self-pity bullshit and I’m sorry for subjecting you to this (actually I don’t know what really is going on, my head is throbbing, my heart is racing and I’m having a hard time concentrating. I’m still wasting time when I should be working and it’s stressing me out. I’m ready to cry because I just can’t get it through my fucking head. I don’t know why I keep doing this. I don’t understand why I can’t take responsibility for my life, why do I hide from everything, why do I spend so little time on my life, bitch and moan when things get fucked up and then go to my therapist and tell her how messed up my life is. I’m just a stubborn piece of shit. FUCK I’m still doing it, I’m still going through my self-pity mode and for fuckssake why the hell am I sitting here at my keyboard instead of outside working.
Why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself.
Why am I so bent on destroying my life?
Why can’t I take responsibility for my future?
Why the fuck am I so lazy?
I just can’t figure this shit out and now I don’t even know how I’m supposed to fucking make any sales with my head ready to explode on top of that I still owe my friend $300 which I’m supposed to be making right now, but instead I’m still just typing, still just avoiding it. Not to mention the money I owe my parent’s, the rent that I have to pay, the bills I owe, or the fact that I still can’t get myself to shower, still can’t shave, still can’t clean my room, my car, my clothes. I just don’t fucking do anything but complain. What the fuck is my problem??????????????
This is bullshit.
