I have experienced five decades of Valentine’s Days, but this year, I’m seeing it through a different lens. It’s not because I’m single; I’ve been single for the last four Valentine’s Days and know that I don’t need a partner to partake in the festivities. I can buy my own box of chocolates and overpriced roses, and thanks to my most recent purchase from Bellesaco, a fabulous sex toy company run by women, I can pretty much guarantee I’ll be getting lucky.
This year my perspective on love, sex and relationships has changed. After spending 24 years with my ex-husband, followed by a few more years of dating a wide assortment of gentlemen, I’ve come to realize that maybe it’s just not for me; dating men, that is. For most of my life I was convinced I was heterosexual. A complicated and brief, yet memorable relationship I had with a woman in my early 30s, taught me that my sexuality wasn’t so clear cut. After that experience, I started thinking of myself as “straight with a twist”, but I was still married and a mom to toddlers and knew that it wasn’t the time to explore what that meant.
Once I got divorced and re-entered the dating world, I couldn’t seem to form any deep connections. “Maybe I’m just not the relationship type,” I mentioned to my therapist one day. She assured me that I just hadn’t found the right person. I wasn’t in any kind of a hurry. I had spent years in the wrong relationship and had zero intention of ever doing that again, though I do like connecting with people, even temporarily. I’ve dated a lot. I feel like I’ve spent the last couple of years trying on a variety of sweaters with none of them fitting comfortably (and by sweaters, I mean penises).
I turned 50 last year and am feeling more at ease in my skin than ever before. I have become unabashedly and unapologetically myself. With this new found self-appreciation comes the need to free myself of the societal expectations I’ve been trying to live up to.
I believe that the right man for me is actually a woman.
We’re living in a time when it’s becoming easier for people to explore the fluidity of their sexuality. I love that so many young people feel supported enough by their families, friends and the LQBTQ community to discover and fully embrace who they are. That said, it can be a little more challenging for those of us showing up a little late to the party, and there are quite a few of us. More and more women in their 40s, 50s and beyond are either finally able to accept and live their lives openly as lesbians or have simply embraced the fact that their sexuality has evolved into something different.
Kate Goora Fried is a Toronto based Disruption Coach who helps empower people to break through barriers around sexuality. She explains,
“Sexuality runs on a spectrum and if there wasn’t so much fear and judgment attached to it, people would feel more comfortable to explore. I find that as women age, they become more comfortable with their own sexual wants and needs. In working to erase the stigma against bisexuality, I find that it can boil down to the strong companionship that women can provide for each other.”
I’m fully aware that there will be some obstacles along the way.
“Older women who are entering the Queer community can feel like they don’t fit in,” says Emilie Moran, co-founder of the popular Instagram group @latetolesbian, “Their sincerity might be questioned by women who have been out for years. They worry that we aren’t really gay or will go back to men. But after years of people pleasing, we’ve finally figured out who we are and what we need.”
There’s also a bit of a learning curve to be expected. Think of it in terms of a job. Imagine working in one industry for most of your life and gaining a ton of experience and then realizing that you want to be doing something completely different, something that requires an entirely new skill set. While this situation can seem a bit daunting at first, most women quickly discover how naturally things evolve when with the right partner.
Dating during a pandemic is hard. Dating during a pandemic when you’re entering an entirely new market is even harder, doing so at my age doesn’t make it any easier. I don’t know if there is someone out there for me, and I’m totally okay with that. But, what I do know is that for the first time in my life, I feel free to be, say, act and love however I choose.
Despite Valentine’s Day being the overly commercialized holiday that I know it is, I will celebrate this one toasting the woman I was, am and will continue to evolve into.
I’ll give Cupid some time to readjust.
