Humor Magazine

Why Can't We Just Mind Our Own Damn Business?

By Davidduff

Slumped in my armchair I have been watching the 'goings on' in Kiev through beady and, yes, probably bloodshot, too, eyes.  My knowledge of the Ukraine is roughly equal to to my knowledge of the higher realms of mathematics, or, 'big sums', as I call it.  Even so, I seem to recall that there was an election not long ago which was about as fair as you could get given their recent history and the current capo di capi won.  So who, I wondered, are these violent oiks who seem determined to burn down the center of Kiev?  As so often with these far-away trouble spots about which my ignorance is so appalling I am indebted to Mr. Tim Marshal of Sky News for his quiet, sensible explanations of some, at least, of the background.  Thus, I am aware that Ukraine is in somewhat the same dodgy position as Belgium, being a country with two main ethnicities, Ukraines and Russians, plus some neighbours with strong historic claims on various chunks of their homeland.

Over-riding these potential problems is the fact that the inflated ambitions of the EU and NATO have led them to continue their political drive into eastern Europe with the aim of pinning Russia inside its own borders.  That, as 'Vlad the Impaler' would no doubt agree, is 'something up with which he will not put'!  My, er, private intelligence service, aka NightWatch, sum it up this way:

Despite the election outcome, which some still dispute, the Western Europeans, with US backing, have again been trying to wrest Ukraine from the Russian aegis by encouraging the protestors. The US and other Western European leaders -- French PresidentHollande for example -- have blamed the Ukraine government for the violence, including the fires in Kiev that the protestors admitted they started.

Today the foreign ministers of Germany, France and Poland are flying to Kiev to poke their noses into a problem that should not be of any concern to them - except, of course, that Poland is one of the countries who have a claim to a chunk of the Ukraine!  It is quite obvious that 'Vlad the Impaler', whether legitimately or not, considers Ukraine to be a high priority in Russia's national interest.  In other words, just as we believed in 1914 that Belgium was of critical importance to us - and went to war because of it!

The stench from this hot-pot of European ambition is overwhelming and I hope our government will keep well clear.  With all the hapless inevitability of a clown tripping over his own big boots, up pops President 'Nitwit' in the White House with some tendentious remarks on a matter that is none of his business.  The motives of the EU mischief-makers are mixed.  Hollande, no doubt, wishes to be seen as a strong leader in the west despite the obvious fact that he's a weak little man leading an equally weak country.  Poland has its own local ambitions and they're welcome to them provided they don't involve us.  As for Germany, at long last I see the stirrings of ambition in the 'Reich'.  I don't blame them, they are an enormously powerful economic entity and it was only a matter of time before they began to flex their muscles, however, there is no reason for us to aid them.

Who knows, perhaps the time is not too far off when we might consider very much closer ties to Russia in order to balance a resurgent Germany - or have I been reading too much of Prof. Margaret MacMillan?

 


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