Update

I guess a personal update is long over dueI had a few appointments with the professionals this weekMy doctor on MondayMy psychiatrist on TuesdayAnd Mary on Wednesday My psychiatrist is goodOn the ballJust like MaryHe had been talking about increasing my Prozac in an effort to get back on trackBut this weekHe decided against itHe made the point that I am on so many meds as it is And the goal should be to be medication freeI actually can't remember a time when I wasn't taking somethingPrescribed or otherwise Probably on my teens If not before I really can't remember what it's like to be stone cold soberThe thought scares me thoughI am afraid that I won't be able to cope on my own Without the addiction of drugsBut I guess that's where occupation comes in If I am filling my days with something I love I'll be content enough to not want to escape my own headAnd my own reality That's why the job would have been idealSpeaking of which I haven't heard a dickiebird yetI'm pretty sure I would have heard by now if I had got it But that's okI'll learn and move on And on to the next thing It was a big deal for me just to apply and do the interviewThat in itself is progress I have been thinking about work a lotAnd the dancing I used to do with the kidsI would love to do it again And am seriously thinking about setting up a couple of classes again I just don't know if I have the confidence though Or the energy I also feel that I would need some more training myself to be the best teacher I can beAnywayIt's something to think about 
In other news I've neither lost nor gained weight in about a month And am weighing less and less Mary weighed me on Wednesday And I was 0.3kg more than last weekAnd I was wearing Harvey clothes and trainers So I was pretty much the same I've spoken to my mom and sister a good bit recently Needless to sayThey are concerned And I'm trying alleviate that I don't want them to worry But they know I am struggling They know about the purging I don't even try to hide it anymore I know they know And they know I know they knowConfusing but true 
I also spoke to Mary this week about working in the stables Mary had heard of a former social worker who was setting up a stablesAnd wanted volunteers with mental health issues So Mary is going to ring themTell them about meAnd then pass on my details You guys I am super duper excited about this It's right up my street And to work with animals And meet people like me Would be nothing short of amazing I can't wait to get started And get stuck in 
They say that the key to happiness Is not having what you wantBut wanting what you have Growing upAnd through out my twenties I wanted a completely different lifeI didn't want to live in our average, middle class life Sometimes I wished we were filthy rich And sometimes we lived in the slumsStrange I know But I hated being in the middle I much targeted the extremes But recently I've been feeling incredibly gratefulSo thankful and joyful and blessed For what I have YesThere are a lot of people in the world who have a lot more than meBut compared to someI have more than enough I know I say it a lotBut every day I thank my lucky stars That I have a strong family behind meEspecially my mother Who is a tower of strengthAnd the back bone of our familyI have two older sistersAn older brother And a father who I now get on well with after years of not I am grateful that I live in a happy, comfortable and safe homeThat there's a roof over my headAnd food in my fridgeI am grateful that I have my own bedroomAnd sleep in a clean dry bed every night I am grateful that I have two happy dogs Who are the light of my lifeAnd keep me sane and groundedI am grateful for the professionals in my lifeMy long suffering doctor Mary who is endlessly patientAnd my psychiatrist who fights my corner 
My family and I have come through a lotThe important thing is that we got through itAnd came out the other sideWe are stronger for itOne thing we never did was give upWe weathered the stormHung in there  Fought  until the bitter end And lived to tell the tale