Tuesday

I saw Breda this morning I was dreading having to tell her about what I did last ThursdayI was not looking forward to admitting what I had doneAnd in the endI didn't I didn't tell her I just couldn't find the wordsCouldn't stand another person knowing what I have done I think I've told enough peopleI've spoken about it at meetingsSpoken to friends about it My sister I really don't think in need to tell everyone  I meetI will speak to Mary when I see her on Thursday As she knows about my shoplifting pastAnd I won't have to do a whole load of explaining
At firstI thought I would have to hide at homeAnd avoid going in to townTo avoid the shop where it happened And the shop I was caught outside ofAnd anywhere else where people might knowBut I decided against itAnd have been going about my business as usual I've past the shop itself numerous timesI'm just doing what I usually doIf people know they knowThere is nothing I can do about that now
I am undecided about whether to post the letter I wroteI still have it But my gut instinct is not to send itSo I'm not going toFor the moment anyway
Last Thursday really shook meI've been reliving it ever sinceBeating myself upPutting myself downTrying to find a way to go back in time and undo itBut of course I can't I chose to steal from that shopSo now I have to deal with the consequencesI do acknowledge that it could have been a whole lot worseI could be sitting in a jail cell right now Could have been reported in the local paperI am eternally grateful to that girl for not calling the cops I don't know why she didn't But I am so glad she didn't 
As I write last weekAll I can do is learn from thisAnd move on I have to let it goBefore I drive myself insaneI have to forgive myself And use this as ammunition never to do that againIf nothing but that happens At least something came out of all of this
I spoke to Breda about other things She asked me if my methadone has been reduced recentlyI told her it had beenAbout a month ago She wondered if it will be reduced again soonI wasn't sureBut to be honest I hope notThe less I am onThe more of reality I have to deal withAnd I don't want to deal with itIt doesn't make sense reallyMy reality is not that badI live in a nice house With nice peopleI have an amazingly strong and supportive family around meI have a small but close circle of friendsI have Honey and Lea who mean so much to meI have you lovely ladies A roof over my headFood in my fridgeClothes in my wardrobeI have a lot more than some peopleAbd yetI still want to escapeSwitch offOpt outCheck off the planet And I do so every chance I getI don't understand it at all
I know that I don't deal with my feelings very well And my head isn't always a nice place to beI think my base level mood Is lower than most peopleIn that my usual mood tends to be on the low side I have a perpensity to be negativeMy thoughts raceI would never speak to another person the way I talk to myself I am horrible to myselfMy thoughts run around my head on a loopAnd I go from zero to suicidal in seconds So the temptation to medicate myself and my feelings is strong 
I know I need to sort out my meds before it is reduced even moreI need to get stableAnd to do that I need to cooperate with my doctor and Breda It's just so hard to tell themBut I know I have to
I feel like I have made a real mess of things recentlyI need to get back on trackBefore it all falls down around me Because I don't know how much more I can take Before I snap