Expat Magazine

Trusting God

By Ladyexpat
I hesitated to blog about this but am feeling a strong pull to do so.  After studying a lot about trusting that gut feeling, I'm going to share with you what I normally would keep very private. 
It seems like I'm really having to trust God lately.  We found out we are pregnant last week, October 18th.  We are so excited.  I am 6 weeks pregnant and this morning right before leaving for the ladies' Bible study I'm leading, I started bleeding.  I started bawling.  I went to get the phone and called my husband.  Through tears I told him I was bleeding and we needed to go to the doctor.  He called my doctor and they said they'd work us in and to just come in, which was better than going to the hospital.
After having a miscarriage two months ago, blood during pregnancy  is not something I want to see.  So far this pregnancy has been more like my first pregnancy was with Blue Rock, pure exhaustion but overall I have felt good.  The doctor talked to us and then did the exam.  It's interesting because my doctor in Germany actually has microscopes right there by the table so she can see directly inside me with her scopes as well as take samples and view them at her table right there.  I have been to four different OBGYNs in Germany.  All of them also have ultrasound machines next to the table as well.  She did an ultrasound and didn't see the sac.  This caused a lot of concern.  She saw my fibroid, which I didn't have when I was pregnant with Blue Rock.  The fibroid is now about 3cm.  She said this could be one of three things: I could have an ectopic pregnancy, the baby is underdeveloped, or the baby is hiding behind the fibroid.  We hope to know more tomorrow morning once we get the blood lab results back with my hGC levels. 
I am trying to not break-down.  I am trying to lean on God through prayer.  I don't want there to be something wrong.  I don't want to have another miscarriage, I don't want to have an ectopic pregnancy.  I just want a healthy baby.  This whole roller coaster is tough.  I'm scared, worried, and sad.  I always thought pregnancy was supposed to be a time of joy, not constant worry.
Please say a prayer for us.  We had such a wonderful time with my parents who left last week.  Right now we really miss having family around.  We were at the doctor's office for 2.5 hours today.  It's tough going and waiting with a 2-year old.  Thankfully, our son did really well.  I feel extremely blessed to have him.  Am I asking too much to want another healthy baby? 

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