I didn’t want children. I was happy with my life and my new teaching degree. My husband and I had been married for almost eight years and things were going well. One morning I wasn’t feeling so well and I just thought I had a virus. I thought it would go away. Three days later, I was still sick and felt nauseated. My periods had always been regular and when I didn’t get my period on time following this sickness, I was concerned.
I rushed to the drug store for a pregnancy test. I had an overwhelming series of emotions both good and bad. I didn’t want kids, I mean we weren’t actively trying, but I would be happy if I was blessed. It was positive. I was going to be a mom. I cannot describe the sensations I felt, all happy at this point. I scheduled a doctor’s appointment and they confirmed that our home would be blessed by an addition.
I thought the pregnancy would be easy, it was anything but. About three months along, I started bleeding. I went to the doctor’s office and found out my levels were off and I was losing the baby. I had to have a D. & C. and nothing prepared me for the emotional turmoil I went through following my miscarriage. I was determined to get pregnant again. I tried fertility treatments, and artificial insemination. Finally, after about a year of trying, I was pregnant. That same feeling of joy rushed over me, but also an intense fear set in. I felt like I couldn’t even move for fear of losing this child.
Everything seemed to be progressing great. I had passed the danger zone and was doing well. I decided, since we were out of the first trimester, it was time to put together the nursery. I wanted to know what the baby was so I could decorate. I had started to feel flutters in my stomach. I was already bonding with the child. I was teaching school by this time and I went on my lunch break to use the restroom, I was shocked to see blood. This could not be happening again to me. I went to the doctor and I had faith and was expecting a miracle, however, I did not get my miracle. It was a girl, and she was dead.
After my second miscarriage I nearly lost my mind. I felt like I had no reason to live. Honestly, I didn’t want kids, but after feeling life growing inside me, I wanted a child like I wanted my next breath. I gave up hope. We stopped the fertility, the insemination and shut down. I didn’t want to think of a family anymore. Every baby shower hurt, every time I saw a pregnant lady in the store I wanted to scream. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and was told my chances of getting pregnant or carrying a viable pregnancy was slim.
About two months after this event, my period was missing yet again. I held my breath and took a pregnancy test. Surely this couldn’t be happening again. I could not bear the pain of losing another child. It was too soon and I was too fragile. At one point I felt like I had no will to live anymore. I was pregnant and terrified. My doctor was so kind and every flutter or pain he would allow me to come in for an ultrasound or at least to check the heartbeat. My levels were good and everything seemed to be going along fine. The only problem is I was deathly sick. I couldn’t keep anything down. I was six months, then eight months and it seemed like this child was destined to come home and be my son.
Noah Isaac was born on December 2, 2006 and his Apgar was very low. He was blue when he was born and things did not look good. The cord had been wrapped around his neck. I heard the doctors saying “come on baby, don’t do this to me baby.” My heart sank with fear, I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. I learned to pray that day and I also learned god answers prayer. Today Noah is 7 years old and he has a sister Bella who is 4. I never wanted to be a mom and never thought it was a possibility. Now, I can’t imagine my life without them. It never happened when I thought it should, but when it was right, I got pregnant without the assistance of any drugs or other methods.
About the Author
This post was written by Jolene, who wanted to share her experiences of pregnancy, miscarriage and motherhood. She is connected with http://www.longhornleads.com/.
“Image courtesy of taoty / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.
