End It Now, Before Complications Like Kids
There’s no way to tell if someone is the ONE, that special person that will be with you for the rest of your life. However, there are three very easy ways to see if they’re NOT the right one for you.
The Three Rules of Attraction
Their Goals Are Different Than Yours – You want kids, they hate rugrats. You want a career, they’re a free spirit who works retail and paints impressionist art on the side. You want to travel the world and live in Paris for at least two years, they never want to leave Iowa. Whatever the case is, your long term goals need to match. You can’t paper this one over folks, you can’t pretend these differences will just go away after a while. No, after a while these differences will just become stronger and one of you, or maybe both, will be miserable. If you’re on the verge of a serious relationship then you should talk openly and honestly about these things. Make sure you articulate what your long term goals for life are. If you don’t have any, at least listen to the other person’s goals and make sure you’re ok with them, because they’re about to become yours.
Their Values Are Different Than Yours – You’re an atheist and they’re a hard core evangelical Christian. You believe education is the most important thing in the world, they think school is for losers. You believe in monogamy, they believe in polyamory. You believe in being clean and sober, they enjoy recreational drug use. You believe in saving money, they believe in spending it. You’re a hardcore conservative Republican, they’re an ultra liberal Democrat. These value differences are not going to go away. I’m sure right now it seems like these things don’t matter, but in 5 years, when the glow has worn off the relationship, you’re going to be calling each other names and arguing every day. Even worse, you’ll lose respect for one another,which is the best predictor for divorce.
You’re Not Physically Attracted To Them – Yes it sounds shallow but it’s true, the physical aspect of a relationship is just as important as the emotional one. If the other party just doesn’t do it for you then it’s not going to work out long term. This can be the way they look, the way they act or the way they behave sexually, it doesn’t matter. You two need to have a fun sex life or else your relationship is doomed. Yes, the sex does get better as you get to know each other but you have to have some attraction to begin with.
Do People Change?
Yes, people can change. Democrats can become Republicans, party animals can become responsible parents and evangelical Christians can become atheists, but I wouldn’t count on it. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior which means the person they are now is likely to be the person they remain. Even worse, no one will change for you. I will repeat that again to make it clearer. If you expect someone to change for you because they love you or if you expect to change them over time, you’re wrong. Minor habits can and will change, for example, I’ve learned to sleep on my side so I don’t snore and wake up my wife, but people do not go through major changes for other people. They only do it for themselves, and if you expect to change someone through love you’re deluding yourself.
But My Honey And I Will Be The Exception To These Rules!
Sure, and some smokers will live to see their hundredth birthday. Odds are that you are NOT the exception to the rule and that you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. That said, statistics are your friend and it’s very likely that someone out there is a better match for you. So why waste time on something that’s unlikely to work? End it now and move on to find someone better.