Thoughts on Recovery

I guess it is safe to say that I am in recoveryOr am I?I think I amI meanI want to beI try to beI hope to be There is no doubtThat I am a million miles away from where I was 18 months agoI was in such a dark placeMy days were either spent in a frenzy of binging and purgingOr silently starvingThe binging and purging was relentless I shit you notIn the morning I'd wake upHave chocolate for breakfast PurgeGo shopping for binge foodWhich I may or may not have paid forWalk my dogs No matter how bad things gotI always walked my dogs Even if it was a short one when I was very illI'd come homeAnd the binging would commenceCrisps ChocolateBiscuitsPastaBread NoodlesPotatoes Chicken curryIt just went on and inI literally couldn't stopIt was terrifying how out of control I wasI can remember my Dad saying to me  in the midst of the madness
'Ruby
Please
Stop'
My family would beg and plead with meThey'd get angrySadMadThey were at the end of their tether And so was IIt was a nightmare
I remember at night when everyone went to bedI would tear the kitchen apartCookingMaking food Eating everything in sightThere were often times when I ate all the bread in the houseLeaving nine for anyone else If anyone bought biscuits or chocolateThey didn't last five minutes if I was aroundI just couldn't help myself Couldn't control myselfNot even if I wanted toI woke up every morning Dreading the day aheadThe relentless march from the kitchen to the bathroomOver and over againLiterally going in circles 
I know that bulimia is often treated like anorexias less deadly sisterBut let me tell youFrom someone who has lived through bothThey are equally as serious And anyone who wants to argue that point?Come walk a day in my vomit stained shoes
Even when I went on to treatment last yearI still continued to binge and purgeI purged every mealUsed to raid the biscuit pressAnd keep a stash of biscuits in my lockerI bought shed loads of chocolate from the canteenThey must have thought I was nutsAnd I'm surprised I got away with it at allI was so sneaky Purging any chance I gotI was constantly ducking and divingTrying to get around staffPurging was my drug And I just couldn't stopI can remember in all my time intreatnentI managed only one day purge freeOne dayEven with all the support I hadI left treatment weighing less than when I went in
As you know In the year since leaving treatment Things began to look up The incessant binging and purging stoppedAnd I began to gain some control over my eatingAs of nowMy weight is stable My health has drastically improvedAs has my mental healthDon't get me wrongI still haven't had a purge free dayI purge at least a couple of times a dayBut things are the best they've been in a long timeAmen to that
Maybe by medical standards I am still unwellAnd still very much bulimicStill eating disordered But for meThis is as good as things getFor now
From an addiction point of viewThings are in a similar placeI'm not using heroinOr any illegal drugsBut I still struggle to take my meds properlyAnd have days when I am not even on the planet earth by any stretch of the imaginationBut againThings are as good as they can beAnd for nowThat is enough
I guess recovery is not destinationIt's not an end pointIt's a processIt's ongoingIt never endsThere is a saying in AAThat they claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfectionI love thatIt's about constantly growingThrivingBlossomingFighting for a better life
Recovery takes time Another saying in AA is to give time timeAgainSo truePhysical recovery takes monthsPsychological recovery can take yearsAnd complete recovery can take a life timeThat's the thing with eating disordersYou have the double whammy of physical and mental complicationsAnd it really takes a toll
I don't think I have mentioned weight yetThat's the funny things about EDsWright does matter But it also doesn't matter I guess it doesn't matter if you're weight is considered healthyAnd it does matter if you are under weight or obeseAnd it is having a detrimental effect on your healthI think the whole weight debate is a bit of a mine fieldWe are told that weight doesn't matterYet in treatment it becomes such a big dealI know that I never took any notice of my weight until doctors and such began weighing meThe number seemed important to themSo it became important to me
Over the years I have been every weight between emaciated and healthyBut I was just as sick at my lowest weight as I was at my highest weightThat is no lie
I know that I have a lot of work to doMy recovery is a work in progressI am no poster girl from recovery But am always honest about where I amI don't see any point in sugar coating thingsThat helps no oneI will continue to fight for a better lifeFor a better futureFor me and my family I've had a glimpse of what my life could be lifeI've seen how rich and wonderful a healthy life can beAnd I want moreI want to live the best life I can 
With all that saidI was wondering about youDo you consider yourself to be in recovery?What do you think constitutes recovery?Which do you think is harderLiving with an EDOr recovering from one?What does recovery mean to you?I'd love to know.....