The Point of It All?

I've started this post 3 times already
I tried to write something positive
Something uplifting
Some hopeful
But the words wouldn't come because they are not there
And anyway it would be a lie
I'm not feeling hopeful or positive or anything like it
I'm seeing Mary tomorrow and I'm already thinking of cancelling
I just can't face going in to her yet again having failed
I thought I could do this
I really thought I could stop anytime
I just didn't want to stop
Silly really
To think that I was in control
That I was driving this thing
I'm not in control
Not one little bit
How do you stop when this is happening despite what I want
How you get out of a speeding car without killing yourself?
How do you get well?
How do you put yourself back together?
How do you get the demons out of your head?
How the hell do you get over this thing?
And if anyone does find out the point please let me know