Shaking hands is a greeting ritual that dates back to the early Neolithic period, and it was somewhere around that time when people decided it was more appropriate than licking someone’s face to acknowledge a clan member.
This custom along with its many variations have lead to some confusion since the advent of Instagram, but fret not! We have officially been commissioned by The International Handshaking and Other Hand Gestures Council to construct a brief quick-reference guide to hand-humping. It was a free gig and we take what we can get.
Below you’ll find a list of handshakes that are internationally recognized by the council.
Please print this list and keep it for future reference in case you meet people not on Facebook.
1. The Double Embrace
This variation is a particularly intimate one which involves a two-handed grab, or embrace by one of the hand-shaking parties.
See below:
It’s an extremely polite gesture until the ten second mark is reached. Beyond that, it then becomes an indication that sex is desired.
See below again:
The Double Embrace is equivalent to placing your face next to somebody’s ear and softly blowing a Rod Stewart tune into it:
“Have I told…you lately…that I love you?”
2. The Noodle Finger
In the event that you find yourself hand-locked with a person whose fingers have the muscle strength of wet spaghetti noodles, remove your hand and instruct them to start lifting more dumbbells and less Rubik’s Cubes. Shaking hands with a Noodle Fingers is like shaking hands with a toddler or a gerbil.
Buck up! This is a time to match grips –not fondle raw eggs.
Don’t put yourself at risk for public humiliation and/or a broken hand, especially if you find yourself matched with the next grip on our list.
3. The Vice Grip
Ok, UNCLE. UNCLE!!!
There are many complex ligaments and bones in the hands that make masturbation possible for both men and women. Don’t put somebody on a six month hiatus from that privilege just to prove that you have the grip strength required to pop a coconut.
If the potential hand-shaking party is known to be a user of this cruel tactic, it’s socially acceptable to salute them instead. Or just pretend like you didn’t see them at the party.
“Of course I was at the party. You didn’t see me? I was by the punch bowl. You know, at the punch bowl table. The guy with the shirt on.”
4. The Curtsy Shake
What is this, fucking Colonial America? Anoint thine hand with a delicate kiss? Or brief stint on the sex offender registry? Your call.
5. The Four-Finger Zinger
Let’s try this again: when that webbing between the pointers and thumbs meet during the handshake, that’s the signal to close grips. The object of the game is not to see who can grab the other person’s fingers first. It’s a shady display of dominance, and this haughty hand-shaker should be swiftly countered with a stiff hand chop to the side of the neck.
“Oh, hey Mark, good to see– *PI YOW!*”
6. The Opposing Techniques Shuffle
It happens to the best of us: one party commits to the fist bump while the other is committed to a traditional grip. After the awkward mashing of incompatible hands, it’s customary for the two parties to then break into a quick game of Rock, Paper, What Fucking Handshake are we Doing Here?
Do not ever approach a casual handshake opportunity with some fancy street derivative, as this could delay the meet and greet and create a scene. Put your arm at a ninety degree angle, homie, and put ‘er there.
7. The Shwefty Lefty
Holy, um, what? Malfunction. Malfunction. Does not compute.
The only time a left-handed handshake is ever acceptable is if the right arm is broken or missing. Otherwise, what galaxy cluster do you park your space bike on? We already have to watch lefties curl up like a bent Slinky and smear ink all over their hands without laughing. We will make no further accommodations for you.
This is a right-handed society and we’ll pretend that little mishap didn’t happen.
Baha. Haha.
Bonus Handshakes:
8. The Patty Cake Shake
Here we have a man who was raised by wolves taking part in his first hand shake tutorial. Sometimes it takes a couple tries. Nothing wrong with a little improvisation.
9. The Sloppy Seconds Shake
This guy just can’t get enough touchy feely in. Must be a big fan.
10. The No Shakey Fakey
Eh, whatever. Wasn’t important.
Dick.
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