My morning did not start well as before I had even left the house I managed to break a plant pot and fall down a set steps
But that's Mondays for you
My own doctor has been out sick for the last month and I was hoping he was still off
Partly because the last time he saw me he said that the next time he sees me he's going to reduce my methadone but mostly because I wanted to see the nice woman doctor that's filling in for him
Just as I sit down in the waiting room and look for something to read I hear my name called
I follow the nice woman doctor in to her office and apologize for being late
I notice she has my prescriptions in front of her already filled
Very efficient
I always make my appointment first thing in the morning so I avoid having to wait and usually my own doctor spends the first 5 minutes turning his computer on
She first asks me how the dizziness is
I am honest and tell her that it has improved
However I leave out the fact that I haven't taken the blood pressure meds she prescribed last week
Bad Ruby
She tells me that my blood tests came back normal
If I were a sane and rational person (and I'm not) I would be happy about this
But part of me finds it disappointing when nothing wrong is found
I guess a part of me wants something to blame this on
And not always believing that I have an eating disorder, I look for other signs for proof
Does that make sense?
Then she asks how my mood is
I tell her that I can't really tell but I don't think it's great
I explain how I have pulled away from my friends and am becoming increasingly isolated, not leaving the house very much
'What do you like to do' she asks
I tell her that I used to dance but haven't done in over a year
I mention that I walk my dogs and I write a little bit
She picked up on the writing straight away and asks me if I have heard of 'The Artists Way'
I have
It's a book written by Julia Cameron
It's a kind of self help book to help you tap in to your creativity
The book was written to help people with creative artistic recovery
It teaches techniques to assist people in gaining in self confidence in harnessing their creative talents and skills
I first heard about the book when I was in hospital the first time
A girl there recommended the book to me but I never followed it up
It's actually the second time in the last couple of days that this book popped up in my life and being a girl that likes to think that the universe sends me signs, I'm thinking of getting it
Nice woman doctor explained one of the exercises called Morning Pages
This involves waking up in the morning and before you do anything else, you take out 3 pages and just write
It can be anything
A stream of consciousness
Nice woman doctor said 'Even if all you write is fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck'
It's not what you write
It's to get all the negative thoughts building up in your head out of your head and on to paper
You don't read it back
You rip it up and throw it away
I really like this idea so I'm going to give it a go
She also told me about a workshop on The Artists Way that's on in my area next month
Another sign?
I like to think so
Nice woman doctor is a breath of fresh air
Usually when I mention low mood, meds are promptly changed and dosages increased
She said that meds do have their place but it's important to address behavior too
How refreshing
I really like her and her approach
I think with my own doctor I've gotten in to a bit of a rut
As I've said before, we rarely talk about medical issues and often end up talking about random things
I've seen him every week for the last 8 years and the more I get to know him, the harder I find it to talk to him
I mentioned this to my father during the week and he said that my doctor is so used to me and the way that I am, that my behavior has become 'normal'
That's very possible
I remember at the eating disorder conference my mother spoke about how my disordered behavior has become normal
And it has
People around me are so used to me being this way, that it's not seen as different or abnormal
So maybe it's the same with my doctor
Maybe he is so used to me being this way that he doesn't question it anymore
Maybe having a fresh pair of eyes on the subject has been helpful
The thought occurred to me that maybe I should change from my usual doctor to nice woman doctor
My doctor is a lovely man and I know that he means well but I feel that me may becoming complacent
I don't know if it makes a difference that this other doctor is a woman and may be more tuned in to the emotional side of things
I guess it was just little things
Like when I was speaking about my mood, she faced me and looked me in the eye and really listenen
My own doctor barely looks up from his computer
I am reluctant to change because he has been very good to me
But is that a good enough reason to stay?
Out of loyalty?
Anyway it's something to think about
What do you think?
If you were me would you change?
