The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #29

Beard Face has been preparing most of the day for a job interview. He began by writing all over his body in permanent black marker such things as "If a question is asked then answer it," "If you need to fart do it in mid conversation rather than when you're thinking," and "Try to avoid picking your nose or twiddling your nipples to gain extra marks." I have a feeling this could be a long day for the old boy.

Tuesday

Well, Beard Face had the job interview and I'm sorry to say that it sounds as if he did okay. The good news is the police, the fire service, the local council, social services and even Shifty Nigel from no.45 were not required. On his return Beard Face was unbearable, preaching that he had most definitely got the job and he knew this from the subtle shakes of the head and cut throat gestures the interviewers were making as he walked out of the building. Good luck with that beardy.

Wednesday

Beard Face started a new series today. He's sticking with David Attenborough and turned his attention to The Life of Birds. I approved of this move though the series was frustrating in the respect that Buggles continually tried to catch the damn things but couldn't. He kept complaining they were trapped inside the picture box and he wanted to set them free. It could have been worse. Beard Face assumed he was watching a series about women in bikinis so imagine his surprise when the only birds he was watching were of the animal kingdom variety.

Thursday

The General Election was on the agenda in the Brown household today. It's looking like a tough one to call this time round with the Conservatives and Labour neck and neck in the polls. Will we have a minority government or another coalition? Well, if you're Charlie then the answer is neither. Unimpressed with the policies of any of the parties, especially the Green Party (Charlie doesn't think they're green enough!), our kitty equivalent of Napoleon Bonaparte has decided that in the next three weeks he will form his own party, win votes from all the other parties and secure a majority to become the UK's next government. Charlie hasn't divulged his policies as such though they're bound to be a cauldron of absolutism and totalitarianism given his previous track record. What he has revealed is the name of the party: Cats' Awesome Support Thingy's Righteous and Totally Inventive Orgasmic Nation which has the acronym of CASTRATION. It's a lot for the UK to take on, or off, depending on how crude your humour is.

Friday

Unbelievable! Beard Face has got a job. The college has decided to take him on with the teacher training he applied for. I will admit that I had a little to do with it. Frizzy Hair was getting upset about Beard Face's continued failures so I decided to intervene. I contacted the college while they considered beardy's application and first tried diplomacy, bribery and finally a Jedi mind trick before they acquiesced to the old boy's employment. It's been a happy day for Frizzy Hair thanks to me. As for the beard, well, he has put his success entirely down to himself. We'll let him live in his own little world a bit longer. I wish he'd leave this world and move to the other one but you can't have everything, can you?

Saturday

Beard Face has been listening to Coldplay a lot lately and has become fixated on their song "The Scientist." He finds the video fascinating where Chris Martin walks backwards until the shocking revelations at the very end. Beard Face has been so intrigued by the video that he's taken to going through his day for a few hours then proceeding to go backwards in an attempt to reverse time. This has caused all kinds of confusion when it comes to eating, using the toilet, speaking etc but it hasn't deterred the old boy from trying. By the end of the day our horror at who he is and what he is will have been magnified a hundredfold. I'm not looking forward to it.

Sunday

Snooker is back on the telly so what the next two weeks has in store is a series of bad snooker puns. Beard Face needs no invitation to giggle at the use of the word "balls" but if he hears such terms as "screw back" and "plant" he's in hysterics. The "screw back" thing I can begrudgingly qualify for its ambiguity but I'm perplexed about why "plant" is so funny. I even challenged the beard on this and he just snorted at me. He insisted "plant" is up there in the same bracket of humour as "Fisherman's Friend" and "sausage." Indeed.