I met a neighbor in my local shop yesterday
He held my hand and told me that I had 'improved a lot'
Then when I arrived home another neighbor shouted over the wall that I look 'Fantastic'
Ok
I know that people just want to be nice
I know they want to acknowledge that I am in a better place
I get that
I do
But it's making me feel incredibly conspicuous
I feel like I am on show
Like a prize cow at a cattle mart
I don't like it
Part of me wants to go back to the time when no one commented on my appearance
Because they didn't know what to say
And the thing is
Because you look ok on the outside
People presume that you must be ok on the inside
They seem to think that I have made a full recovery
When the truth is that I have a lot of work to do
My food is all over the place
The purging persists
My food is all over the place
Things are not pefect
The messed up thing is that now I have been dipping my toe in to recovery
I know think that I deserve a treat
Like an alcoholic who treats them self with a drink because they have been sober for 6 months
I feel that I have been doing so well that I deserve to lose a few pounds
Here's how a conversation went with my my Mother earlier today
Me: I think I need to lose some weight
Mum: What?
Me: I'm thinking of starting the Atkins diet (Only half joking)
Mum: What is that?
Me: It's where you cut out carbohydrates and eat mostly protein
Mum: I don't believe in diets
Me: I just want to lose a few pounds, haven't you noticed how fat I am getting?
Mum: Ruby you are just beginning to look normal
Me: So you have noticed that I have gained weight?
Mum: You look softer, more womanly
Me: In other words I am fat?
Mum: I didn't say that
Me: Well I'm starting the diet tomorrow........
And the strange thing is that I actually meant it
A harmless diet?
To lose a few pounds?
What could go wrong?
It is this kind of thinking that has got me in to trouble my whole life
My friend and I were laughing today
As we discussed how our EDs are like using a sun bed
Just like you always think you need to lose a little bit more weight
You always want to be that little bit browner
It's never enough
Never
The fact is that I am a bit uncomfortable with my body at the moment
I have curves and shape and bumps and lumps
I don't know how to dress this shape
It's very complicated
My clothes now fit differently
They cling to my chest and my hips and my bum
It's all just so new
So unfamiliar
Most of the time I don't know whether to strap my boobs down
Or put them on show
And they get in the way now
I am hyper aware of them
It's like I am going through puberty all over again
And it was traumatic enough the first time
I really do feel like an awkward teenager
My period has returned
It was like getting my first period all over again
My straight as a board figure is now curvy and shapely
It's most disconcerting
The urge to lose a few pounds is strong
To go back to my safe body shape
When I was invisible
And no one passed comment on my appearance
I'm sure that I will get used to all this
I will get through my second puberty
And come out the other side as an actual woman
It feels so weird to use that word
I really have never grown up
And I'm not sure if I want to
I know that this is part of parcel of the recovery that I signed up for
Sometimes I wonder if I really am in recovery
Or am I just telling myself that I am
Because to have an anorectic mind in a healthy body doesn't bear thinking about
I will get used to my body
I just have to be patient
And that is something that I struggle with massively
I want it now
I can't wait
It has to be now
But I will hang in there
I have no choice
And what is the alternative?
The half life we call ED?
No thank you very much
I was wondering about you
Have you experienced these type of comments?
How did you deal with it?
