Humor Magazine

The Charlie Sheen Economic Indicator

By Dianelaneyfitzpatrick
The Charlie Sheen Economic IndicatorI’m beginning to doubt that our country is in such horrible financial shape. I know the national debt and the imbalance of our budget is so outrageous that we’re nearing the kajillion mark. I know that somehow, someday that might affect me and my life, possibly as to how cheaply I can buy the Chinese crap at Walmart. But as long as people are purchasing tickets to Charlie Sheen, I just don’t believe that Americans are so bad off.
Charlie and his Violent Torpedo of Truth tour are coming to Miami. According to today’s paper, many South Floridians are opting instead for Jimmy Buffett. On one hand I’m happy, because Jimmy Buffett is one cool cat, who deserves every cent in our entertainment budgets. But on the other hand, if more people were going to see Charlie Sheen, it would mean that we as a nation are richer and freer with our money. Irresponsible spending is a good economic indicator.
On the TicketsMore website, we are encouraged to hurry up and buy Charlie Sheen tickets before they sell out and we’re forced to just read about it in the paper the next day. And then we’re reassured that there are plenty of tickets left.
“All fans of Charlie Sheen in Miami have been awaiting this concert. Tickets for Charlie Sheen in Miami are in high demand and now that tickets for Charlie Sheen in Miami are on sale, people are ordering cheap Charlie Sheen concert tickets.
“Many tickets for Charlie Sheen in Miami are available. This year, Miami will have some great concerts (such as Charlie Sheen). If you've ever been to a Charlie Sheen concert, you know how much fun it is! Charlie Sheen fans from Miami are purchasing tickets quickly. We have tickets still available for the Miami show but make sure you order yours before they are sold out!”

From what I can gather, tickets to Charlie Sheen are either selling like hotcakes or there are a lot still available. Either one. You decide.
If, in fact, they are selling like crazy, then the people of Florida should just smack themselves. If you buy a ticket to Charlie Sheen, you forfeit your right to complain about the economy or whine that Social Security and Medicare are in danger. In fact, I think one way to raise some dough for U.S. coffers is to write down the names of all the people who bought Charlie Sheen tickets and just take their Social Security right now and use it for something useful. Because anyone who has $30-$246 to listen to Charlie Sheen for however long he’s on stage before he offends or is offended and walks off (I’m giving it 45 minutes in Miami), doesn’t know the first thing about financial planning or wise spending. They probably won’t even remember that they were supposed to get Social Security.
All Charlie Sheen ticket buyers also must abandon all arguments that the federal government isn’t fiscally sound and isn’t making the right cuts. Who are you to say that anybody isn’t spending money wisely? Also, you’re gonna hafta stop saying the word taxes at all. And no complaining about corporate fat cats and the fancy parties they throw.
I wouldn’t say this about any other form of entertainment or vice. I believe that poor people and Tea Party ranters alike should be able to spend their money on cigarettes, booze, movie theaters, comedy clubs, concerts, whatever. Go at it, have-nots. Immersion in laughter, drunkenness, music and general good times are good for the soul and everyone deserves a little of that.
But Charlie Sheen? He’s not funny, he doesn’t sing or dance or even do skits or dramatic readings. From what I’ve read, his routine involves:
  1. lots of complaining, but not about anything that we can relate to. I don’t think he rants about the deficit or the cost of oil per barrel. I think he focuses mostly on how he’s been screwed by Hollywood and the press. All positive talk is reserved for prostitutes and blow.
  2. showing clips from his dad’s movies.
  3. two women who he calls goddesses awkwardly kiss each other on stage. (Girl-on-girl action is so last decade.)
  4. trying to hide the fact that he’s a badly aging gasbag by wearing a baseball cap and low-rise jeans.

Winning? Maybe. But in a sad, Hugh Hefner kinda way. Nobody wants in on that.  For my $30-$246, I’d rather be in Margaritaville with Jimmy Buffett.

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