So, I broke down this year and got myself a roommate. I’m actually more excited about this than having a single room for some reason. Maybe I’ve grown accustomed to children up my ass when I wake each morning, or the fact that being alone with my thoughts isn’t always the best gig, or because, hey, I haven’t had a grownup sleepover in quite some time.
Whatever the case, I’ve been thinking about that intricate dance one does with someone not of his own clan, and tried to lay out some ground rules, if you will, for sharing one’s room with another fabulous Internet personality.
Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
All occupants of the room shall try their best to keep from snoring, but if they do, they must snore in perfect unison.
All family conversations shall be limited to fifteen minutes, the immediate termination of which shall be invoked upon hearing or speaking the following phrases:
- ”No, I didn’t know there were only two rolls of toilet paper left.”
- ”Why is she inside the fireplace again?”
- ” No, that can’t stay there. You’re going to have to clean it off the wall.”
- ”Well, where IS he?”
- ”How many days in a row have they had mac and cheese?”
- ”No, I can’t get home any earlier.”
All questions such as (including, but not limited to) a) Is there spinach in my teeth?, b) Are my pits too sweaty?, and c) Does this dress make me look like a blinged-out zebra? shall be answered with the utmost honesty. Questions may be repeated up to five times, or until the asking party is fully convinced by the response.
There shall be no spooning unless express permission has been given by both parties.
All electronic devices in the room shall only be referred to as either a a) walkman, b) pager, c) walkie-talkie or d) boombox.
Assistance will be provided with necklaces, bracelets, hair, makeup, and give or take Spanx.
No cookies shall be tossed at any time in the hotel room.
Guests of the room may only be allowed entry after a series of three knocks and statement of the passphrase, “It’s me, Sweetcheeks! I got it all by airport security!”
Celebrity perfumes and colognes will not be allowed in the hotel room at any time.
There shall be no audible mobile device notifications consisting of Jay-Z songs, quotes from Family Guy, any manner of plumbing, or barnyard animals at any time.
The game “Look How High Up We Are!” is strictly forbidden.
A minimum of four guests will be required to attempt any musical interlude in an a Capella format.
All room service meals and/or adult film rentals shall be subject to 18% gratuity and halfsies to all other occupants of the room.
And lastly, what happens in Chicago, stays in Chicago.
Have fun and see you there soon!
Special thanks to Colleen Thoele, BlogHer ’13 Voice of the Year and author extraordinaire of The Adventures of the Family Pants, for joining me!
