Sure, You're Stupid. But You're Not Alone.By Dianelaneyfitzpatrick
If you’re like me, the answers will make you laugh, but not before you’ve felt an enormous relief that you’re not the only one who has dumped the powder from a box of macaroni and cheese into the boiling water. Or tried to call your lost cell phone from your cell phone. Or tried to turn up the volume of a real conversation. Or Control-Z’d a written note.
Here are some choice contributions. Enjoy, and you may begin to start feeling better about yourself . . . right . . now.
*Yesterday afternoon I left my cup of coffee on the kitchen counter and forgot about it. When I went back to the kitchen about 30 minutes later I tested the warmth of my coffee by picking it up, putting it to my ear, and listening.
One time I was holding a grapefruit. I wondered if I could catch it between by chin and collarbone if I tossed it up into the air first. So I threw it. The grapefruit. At my throat. I threw a grapefruit at my throat. It hurt like a bitch. I hacked and gasped and gurgled for like 20 minutes.
Left my coffee cup on my back bumper and drove 12 miles to the bank and after parking, met someone I knew and while talking to him reached down and picked up my coffee and had a sip. I wouldn't have thought anything about it except the look on his face.
Got a drop of ketchup on my hand. Instead of licking it off, I rubbed it in like lotion. My dad wasn't impressed.
Driving with my dad back to the house: When the driveway was in clear sight I noticed the car was missing. I got very worried; didn't catch on until we started pulling in.
Back when I did my mountain ops training, I once accidentally knocked my helmet off a cliff. I dove for it and caught it before it went over a sheer drop. To my credit I caught it. To my detriment I almost fell off a goddamn cliff to save a helmet. The worst part of dying like that is the obituary. Man dies saving safety gear.
The other day I was making myself a sandwich and I thought to myself maybe my friend wants a piece of lunch meat, so I dangled a piece in front of her until she asked me what I was doing. I honestly don't know what I was thinking
I accidentally dropped a glass and it shattered all over the floor. I cleaned it up but thought there might still be tiny glass pieces on the floor that I couldn't see, so I decided the best way to be sure was to walk across the floor in bare feet. Mistake. Fact: To clean up really tiny shards of glass, pat the ground with slices of white bread. After reading this thread, I think that tip has the potential to do much more harm than good. "Time for a glittery, shining, sandwich. What could possibly go wr... OH GOD MY THROAT..."
Counting “Ready: 1.... 2.... 3....” to take a photo of a fireplace. Nice smile, fireplace.
Once when I was about 15 I was sitting in the back of my mom's van while it was parked. I was waiting for her to get back from shopping. Both vehicles parked to the left and right of the van that I was in began to back out of their parking spots giving the illusion that the van that I was in was rolling forward. I had an adrenaline spike like you wouldn't believe. I dove from the back of the van landing with some insane crawling movement to press my hand on the brake. I moved my foot up to replace my hand and looked around, noting what had really just happened. Derp.
I once lost my keys, and tried finding them by yelling "Keys!" as if they were some pet that would beckon to my command.
Putting on my glasses so I could see to find my glasses.
Bought some crepes from the nice French couple at the farmer's market. Said "gracias" to them.
Snorted pepper to see what it smelled like. It smells like pain and tears.
Using my cell phone to call my cell phone so I could find my cell phone.
My friend once left his phone round my house, so I decided to text him telling him that he left it round my house. When his phone went off I initially decided not to read the message that flashed up on his phone because I decided not to invade his privacy. Went downstairs, made some toast, had some orange juice, smashed my skull with a facepalm.
My sister and I were on our way to the same destination, both on the same seat of the bus. I had to get off earlier to do something on my way so left her on the bus. Once I was off I texted her to say I had left my phone on the bus. She said she realized what I was doing before she looked under the seats but I'm terrified that she didn't and that I'll never escape the soul crushing guilt.
I have (more than once) taken it a step further. "Where's my phone? I'll just call it and listen for the ring..... wait.... I clearly can't use my phone. I guess I'll have to call someone else and have them call my phone."
Ran into the back yard to feed the dogs. Naked. I got out there, put the food in the dish, turned around, and I was naked. The yard seemed very big right at that moment, knowing I had to walk back to the house NAKED. My fiancé still has not let me live that one down.
When I was in 1st grade, I was walking down the hall and passed my teacher going the opposite direction. As we passed, I casually blew her a kiss. I'm pretty sure some mom/teacher wire got crossed in my brain, and it seemed like a completely reasonable greeting right before I did it, but right as I did it I realized how horribly embarrassing it was. I just kept walking, and didn't turn around to see her reaction.
At dinner with some friends, one of them was eating a cookie with white frosting on the top, and another jokingly asked if it was mayo. The friend with the cookie immediately puts the cookie to his ear, listens for a second, then says 'no'.
I sat in my car for ten minutes waiting for a hairbrush to cross the street. I thought it was a hedgehog. I parked my car and got out to, you know, shoo it along. It was a PURPLE hairbrush. And there were cars honking behind me :(
On a Tuesday I wanted to ask my friend if we had a free day on Wednesday, ended up saying with a straight face " Is it true that tomorrow is Wednesday?"
Blowing on ice cream to cool it off, like one would do for hot food. I still do this frequently and I feel derp after every time.
I've searched for google using google. :/
More than once I've almost reached for the volume knob on my car so I could hear the person talking to me in the passenger seat a little better.
My first year in the dorms, someone pulled the fire alarm in the middle of the night. I got up, put on a hat, grabbed my backpack and my books and walked out of the dorm. Once I was outside, I realized that I had neglected to put on shoes or a coat or pants. And it was winter and there was snow everywhere. We weren't allowed back in the dorms for another 45 minutes or so, so I was pretty miserable and embarrassed, standing there in front of my entire dorm, barefoot with no pants and my backpack on. I had to take off my shirt to stand on so my feet wouldn't freeze.
I worked at a copy shop in college, one day I was working the register and the customer used a credit card to pay. I swiped the card, put in the amount, waited for the receipt to print out, ripped it off, picked up a pen and signed the receipt.
Just a few weeks ago I had a hole in my change pocket. I was given a fist of change in a shop. I put it in the pocket with the hole and it spilled down my leg and all over the floor. I crawled around picking it up and muttering that I had a hole in my pocket, stood up embarrassed and proceeded to put all the money back into the same pocket. I almost ran off.
On my birthday, someone said "Happy birthday!" to me, so I replied "Happy birthday!" back.
Her: "Next full moon is in 8 days, at 11:00." Me: "AM or PM?"
I do this almost every time I have pizza. I put the parmesan cheese on and then I blow to cool off the pizza. The parmesan cheese goes everywhere.
One time when I was little I got up late at night to use the restroom. Worried it would wake my parents sleeping in the next room over I was hesitant to flush. So I went and asked my mom if it would be ok. I was not a bright kid.
Took a class where there was an exercise that had us write a letter to someone we disliked or had issues with. Part of the exercise was that these letters would be mailed to us towards the end of the semester to see if we felt the same as we did two months ago. The instructor made this quite clear. A couple months later I get a threatening letter in the mail. Call a couple of my buds together so we can go over the letter and figure out who was after me, and how to respond. Friend reads the letter and says "Dude, isn't that your shitty handwriting" My other buddy punches the hell out of my arm and says "Got em."
About once per year I replay Fallout 2 in binge sessions to power through the game. Last fall I played way too late into the night and woke up later than I intended to the next morning. My first thought was "Crap, it's 11:30? Oh well, I'll just load from an earlier save point."
I was at the cashier at the grocery store and a sock fell out of my jean leg without me noticing. The girl behind me in line asked if it was mine and I said, “No I've never seen that sock before in my life.” Then I picked it up and walked away.
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