Summertime Sadness

I saw my doctor on Monday
He is now back full time after having been off for a few months
He brings up the subject of reducing my methadone that day
Before he left he had been planning to start reducing it but obviously that never happened
I say that I need a bit more warning
That I wasn't prepared for a drop today
'One week' he says
'Two weeks' I say
I haggle with him for a few minutes but he won't budge
Next week it is
He asks me why I am so reluctant to reduce it
I'm honest and tell him that I am afraid of relapsing
I ask him how long it will take to come off it completely
'At the rate your going I have no idea' he says
I bite my tongue
He says that I worry over things that I needn't worry about
Again I bite my tongue
Call me crazy but worrying about my possible relapse back in to heroin addiction is not something I take lightly
It scares the shit out of me
I still have nightmares about relapsing
They say that while you are in recovery, your addiction is doing push ups
They say that when you relapse, you pick up where you left off
And I left off in a horrific place
I don't want to go back there
Not for all the tea in China
And now that I think about it, we didn't agree on how much he's going to drop the methadone
1ml?
5ml?
Another thing to haggle about
I've been on methadone for almost 10 years
Although I haven't been clean that long
I am only clean a couple of years
And I've only just started to take my meds properly so really I am only a couple of months clean
I started off on 70 mls of methadone
And over the years have worked my way down to 30mls
Going from 30mls to 0mls is going to be a lot harder than going from 70mls to 30mls
If I had my way I would never come off it
But I don't so I can't
Remember I said that I thought I had gained about 7lbs while on holiday?
Well I came home and I was shitting bricks at the thought of weighing myself
I put it off
Kept putting it off
Then finally bit the bullet on Monday
I had a specific number in mind
Anything higher than that I just didn't know how I would deal with it
Stand on scale
Deep breath
Watch the little red numbers flicker then settle
I gained
The grand total of 1lb
Alleluia!!
My greatest fear was not realised
I can not tell you how relieved I am
I was so sure that I had gained a significant amount
This is the third time that this is happened to me this month
Will I ever learn?
So the summer is coming to an end
I remember back in May absolutely dreading the coming summer
I just wanted to fast forward time and get it over and done with
But as it turns out I had a great summer
It was challenging to say the least but somehow I got through it
I went to Dublin for a few days
I went for afternoon tea with my mother and auntie B
I went to Galway for a week where I managed to eat 2 meals without purging
I organized our trip to Achill
I spent time with my nephew
I laughed a lot
Had so much fun
I tried to not let my ED spoil things for me
I pushed myself socially
My mood was good
My weight was stable
All in all it was a jolly good time
Now everyone is going back to work and college and I have to find something to do
A purpose
A reason to get up in the morning
The day is very long when you have nothing to do and no where to go
I have signed up for a creative writing course but that doesn't start until October
I'm also thinking of starting Zumba
I need a hobby
Something to keep my mind off my ED
I'm feeling quite positive and motivated so I want to keep it that way
It s' funny, I only realize how miserable I was when I start to feel better
And it can be a dangerous place to be as I realize how sick I actually am
But I don't have to stay that way
I can help myself
And for the first time in a long time I actually want to
What about you?
Did you have a good summer?
Are you glad or sad that it's over?