Something Wicked This Way Comes.....

For a while there My ED was in the background It had never fully gone awayBut it wasn't the main focus of my lifeAnd it had gone somewhat underground I guess because now that I am a healthy weightPeople who know no better presume that I am recoveredFixed All better When the truth is that I am still struggling People are just relieved that I am not underweight anymoreAnd I am tooThe thing is I don't want to be super skinny anymore I don't want to be sickAnd I don't want to die anymore I really don'tI want to live For the first time in a long time I actually want to live And more than be thinI just want to feel ok in my skin
My eating is still very disorderd I don't eat regular meals and snacks I graze through out the dayAnd if I do eat a meal It doesn't stay downGranted I don't binge and purge the way I used to It used to be constantFrom the minute I woke up Until I fell in to bed that night wrecked emotionally and physicallyI was purging up to 20 times a day Every day I promised would be the last But then I would get up the next morningAnd the whole cycle would start againIt was relentless Unforgiving A living hellBut just as quickly as it started It stopped Just like that Not completely of courseI still purgeBut no where near as much as I used to
It was around the time that my meds were tweaked In combination with my being utterly sick and tired of feeling sick and tiredIt was also around the time I took a 'half hearted' over dose I just couldn't go on that way anymoreIt was killing meKilling me slowly It came down to a simple choiceIt was either recover Or die 
The past couple of weeks have been tough And my resilience has been pushed to breaking point It's funny how when things go belly upWe go back to the things that comfort usThat quell the anxiety And ease the pain My mental and physical health have suffered recentlyI have been to a meeting in two weeks My ED has been back in the driving seatAnd I'm constantly looking for ways to escapeI feel hurt and used And I feel let down by people who should know betterBut that's life I guessThere are bad people out there I've just had the misfortune of meeting more than my fair share of them 
I was Googling something this morningAnd a weight calculator popped upIt was one where you enter your genderYour age and your height And it tells you the healthy weight range for youBeing 5'4It told me that my ideal weight range is 116 pounds to 145 poundsI'm in the lower range of this rangeAnd I was glad about that But I have to say That the number doesn't mean as much as it used toI used to have a visceral reaction to seeing the numberBut now I feel very little As long as my clothes fit me And I feel ok I am good But there are some behaviours that are so ingrained I don't know if they will ever change 
There is still the question of whether I am starting my course in SeptemberI think I wrote about the fact that my disability benefit will most likely be cut when I start the courseBut Mary found out that if I got a letter from my doctor and my consultant  stating that the course would be of therapeutic value Then hopefully they wouldn't cut itSo I have the letters And I have accepted my place on the course I just don't know if I'm readyI mean In a lot of ways it would be good for meGetting out Getting an educationMeeting new people But another partThe part that is afraid and full of anxiety Wants to stay home Watch tvAnd drift in and out of sleep Because even though I am loathe to admit itThat's what I'm doing at the moment 
I don't know guysI know I can't go on like this forever And it's no way to live But it's comfortable It keeps me nicely numb I don't have to worry about anything And the truth is That everything is easier when I am slightly out of it More bearable And there are none of the negative effects of using illegal drugsI don't have to worry about money Or where I'm going to stay Or how I'm going to get the drugIt's all written down on a scriptThat is given to a pharmacist And then handed to me over a counterI don't even have to pay for it
And I must stress That this is the case Even when I don't misuse my medsWhen I take them as prescribedI am still on the nod Still sedated And sleepy And God forgive me for enjoying that 
It's down to me how things go from hereI can either lie down and let my ED and my addiction kill meOr I can stand up and fightI'm just so very tired of fighting So tired of having to pick myself up Again and again But I willIt's not my style to give up So I won't And that's a promise