Family Magazine

Shopper's Rage

By Parentalparody @parental_parody
Shopping is fun.  It's therapeutic.  It's my favorite pastime after cocktails.
Even grocery shopping.  This is often my favorite kind, as it's the one that requires the least covert manouvering to get my loot inside the house, since it doesn't matter if #1 Hubby sees the shopping bags - it's justifiable necessary expenditure in these tough economic times.  No need to stress my tired little brain with finding a legitimate reason to justify tinted moisturiser as a necessity for eczema prone kids, or another skirt that is suspiciously large for a 5yr old.
So the grocery shopping is the one that I actually look forward to the most.  Yeah, I know.  It does make me sound a tad bit sad, doesn't it.

Grocery shopping with 2 toddlers.  Not so much.

It's a fine art steering a trolley close enough to the shelves to reach what you want, but not so close as to allow your toddler to rip everything down within reach.  Try that with 2 toddlers.  It's like a 4 wheeled octopus trawling the aisles.  With poor steering.  And - inevitably - a severe lean to the left or right.

Shopper's Rage

Trolley Training should be mandatory


Whenever I take the twins shopping, I should come with my own safety vehicle up ahead, complete with orange flashing lights and warning signal.  Kind of like when enormous trucks are on the road moving houses and large pieces of equipment.  That's the kind of road/aisle assistance and warning that I need.By the time I park my trolley at just the right distance from either side of the aisle so as to ensure the twins can't grab anything to tear open, I am smack bang in the middle of the aisle.  I have a crap sense of direction, can't read a map to save myself, have got lost in my own home town (a town of approximately 500 residents...that's how small the place is) - and yet, I have an internal GPS navigation system that detects the exact center of any shopping center aisle.

Shopper's Rage

I know it's wrong, but some days it is so tempting...


So it's either disgruntled shoppers who can't get past the ignorant moron who has stopped in the dead center of the aisle (which is NEVER EVER wide enough to accommodate 2 trolleys, no matter how much you squish up and play bumper-trolleys in an attempt to get past each other);

Or
Disgruntled shop assistants having to pick up the carnage the twins are tossing on the floor in their own personal experiment testing the sturdiness of food packaging.
FYI - Pasta has the strongest packaging.  To date, they have not been able to smash open a packet of noodles, spaghetti, pasta of any kind.  Just another useless fact I am good for.
(As I write this, they are sitting at the kiddy table eating breakfast, quietly, well behaved - dare I say, angelically... so I do feel a wee bit mean for describing them as such feral monsters.  But, if they were to see a shopping trolley...they'd morph like gremlins do after midnight).

Generally I go for the disgruntled fellow shopper option.  Occasionally I'll come across a fellow mother who totally gets my determined yet downtrodden look.  The kind where your shoulders are hunched as if you're about to wrestle, your hands are gripping the sides of the trolley for dear life, and your face says "Don't even think about commenting...because I will follow you through the supermarket aisles, ramming this trolley into your ankles every single time you dare to stop".  Or, you know, something like that....But, every once in a while - I get one of those snotty shop assistants.  The kind who is still legally a child themselves, but feels the need to throw withering EMO style glares at you as soon as they see you walk towards the supermarket with 2 toddlers in tow.The kind who is thinking "Ugh...I'm NEVER going to be that stupid." - Just you wait 15yr old check out chick, just you wait....What I need is an uber-trolley.  Built up with stadium seating so the twins don't fight over who sits on which side or who sits closest to me and/or the side.A trolley with some sort of roof or canopy (or electrified sides) to keep the twins in, and stop their grabby arms reaching for everything.

Shopper's Rage

I need one of these...

Shopper's Rage

crossed with one of these

So a quick couple of questions for the interverse of people out there - 

Am I the only one who treats a supermarket trip like it's a life or death mission?  
Am I the only one who goes in all tensed up as if I'm about to take on Rambo?  
Am I the only one who inevitably runs out of snacks and has to grab something off the shelves of totally crap nutritional value, and bust it open out of desperation, just to shove in the mouths of the twins to shut them up and keep their hands occupied for at least 5 minutes, as I tear around the remaining aisles well above the recommended speed limit?


You Might Also Like :

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

  • “This Diet Has Been Nothing Short of Life Changing for Me and My Family”

    Tyler has been able to truly turn his life around with a low-carb diet. Here's how he massively increased his energy levels and lost 100 lbs (45 kg) in only... Read more

    4 hours ago by   Dietdoctor
    DIET & WEIGHT, HEALTH, HEALTHY LIVING, MEDICINE
  • New Keto Meal Plan

    Our popular low-carb meal-plan tool gives you everything you need to succeed on low carb. Meal plans, recipes and shopping lists - no planning required! Adjust... Read more

    4 hours, 9 minutes ago by   Dietdoctor
    DIET & WEIGHT, HEALTH, HEALTHY LIVING, MEDICINE
  • Vegan Rocket Pesto Pasta!

    Vegan Rocket Pesto Pasta!

    I harvested a lot of wild rocket in our garden hey, what to do with it? I knew that I made a previous non-vegan rocket pesto that was so delicious. Read more

    4 hours, 26 minutes ago by   Sophies Foodie
    FOOD & DRINK, RECIPES, VEGETARIAN & VEGAN
  • Party Saturday

    According to the calendar, summer started this past week. According to Tajikistan, summer started last month. And so by now, a month into summer, it is hot. Read more

    4 hours, 34 minutes ago by   Sherwoods
    FAMILY, PARENTING
  • Sunday Bliss Is..

    Sunday Bliss Is..

    ..baking these adorable red berry and almond blondies in this understated sunlit kitchen. Join the Read more

    5 hours, 5 minutes ago by   Myparadissi
    HOME, INTERIOR DESIGN
  • 5 Reasons NOT To Start With A Non-Profit Business

    Reasons Start With Non-Profit Business

    A common misconception I often hear in the startup world is that non-profits are easy and safe, since they don’t have to pay taxes, and they don’t have to make ... Read more

    5 hours, 44 minutes ago by   Martin Zwilling
    BUSINESS, CAREER
  • A Day at the Marvellous West Woodhay Gardeners' Fair

    Marvellous West Woodhay Gardeners' Fair

    I received an invitation the other day to go to the West Woodhay Gardeners' Fair; a quick check on the map and I thought it would make a nice day trip. I happil... Read more

    6 hours, 31 minutes ago by   Ozhene
    GARDENING, HOME

Magazine