Humor Magazine

See, What Had Happened Was...

By Dmroughton
Here is a letter from my undergraduate years at UNC. I was 20 years old at the time.
THE UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA AT CHAPEL HILLDepartment of University Housing Division of Student Affairs CB# 5500, Carr Building
Chapel Hill, N.C. 27599-5500
To: Residents in Suite 839-842 FROM: D. Jones DATE: 12/2/91
While inspecting your suite during closing on November 27, 1991, it was discovered that the hallway and bathroom shared by the six residents residing in this suite was left in poor condition. This included trash bags in the hallway, beer boxes and beer cans in the bathroom, personal items left in the shower and above the sinks. In addition,there was an object hanging from the ceiling that is in direct violation of the University and State of North Carolina Fire Codes.
Upon investigating this situation with the Housekeeping staff, it is apparent that these practices have been going on for quite some time. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that it is the expectation of the Department of University Housing that each resident takes individual responsibility in assisting with maintaining a safe and clear living environment. What this entails is that residents should remove all personal items from the sink area and out of the shower and properly discard of all trash that tends to overflow the trash containers.
Gentlemen, please consider this the final warning regarding the condition in which you are maintaining the suite and hallway. In addition, you must remove the object hanging from the ceiling immediately. Any further complaints may result in: fines and/or other disciplinary sanctions. If you have any questions, please contact me between the hours of 9:00 am and 5:00 pm.
Hinton James Residence Hall

Ok, this letter warrants some explanation for you to get the full effect.
First, let me say that the hallway was about knee deep in pizza and beer boxes on any given day of the week. Housekeeping was sick of that, but they pretty much came to expect it from our suite.
However, what made the cleaning woman run from the suite at 7:30 am one morning shrieking "You nasty sons-a-bitches!" was the "object hanging from the ceiling" mentioned in the letter.
The party the night before, like many in Hinton Hell, was in Jeremy and Jason's room. Jeremy had a really big, community ashtray that got filled up with cigarette butts, sucker wrappers and sticks, and ashes. In his infinite stoned creativity, he also began to drip all the melted candle wax in the room into the ash tray. This was a considerable amount of wax since one of Jeremy's favorite pastimes was to sit around and get high while watching candles flicker.
At the end of the night after the wax had congealed around all the gunk in the ash tray, it came out in one solid sculpture like piece that was our modern art commentary on the way we lived I suppose. It was easy enough to punch a hole through a corner of the wax, insert a string, and hang this fabulous art from the fire alarm in the suite hallway.
This in itself was bad enough; however, an esteemed resident of our suite *cough*me*cough* got the brilliant idea to take it one step further after having consumed 31 cans of Milwaukee's Best (The Beast). What was absolutely hysterial in the moment the night before when it was hung suspended from the wax sculpture by a paperclip was apparently not in the least amusing to the poor, unsuspecting custodian bright and early the next morning.
And I swear to you to this day: the subtance inside the suspended condom was, in fact, condensed milk. But try telling that to the Hinton James Residence Staff.

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