By Gloria Burnhim
Investigative Reporter and Guest Contributor to Citizen Thymes
ASHEVILLE- According to medical records received under the Freedom of Information About Idiots Act (FORYA), Rep. Tim Moffitt has used his third nipple to titillate lobbyists in exchange for campaign contributions.
Moffitt is the state legislator who recently introduced a bill in the NC General Assembly that would outlaw women from displaying their aureoles in public.
Moffitt’s alleged third mammary came to light when he applied for a nipplectomy under the free health insurance plan supplied to all state legislators. Such requests are public record.
When first asked about his “nip a nipple” request, Moffitt denied that he had applied.
“It’s probably a prank by one of the pro-gawker groups, such as Men Ogling Mammaries Salaciously (MOMS),” said Moffitt.
“Those pervs are always trying to monkey wrench anything to do with lactation.”
However, after a reporter faxed a copy of Moffitt’s nippleotomy request to him, he admitted applying.
“OK, I did send in the application, but just to highlight the insane procedures covered under Obama Care, which should be repealed immediately,” said Moffitt.
When a reporter pointed out that the nippleoffame procedure was covered before Obama Care, Moffitt said, “Come to think of it, I do have a tattoo that I got in Bangkok while I was serving in the Navy.”
When a reporter reminded Moffitt that he never served in the military, he said, “Well, there is my birthmark; I guess some might confused that with a lactation spigot.”
When told that a reporter had talked to three guys who showered with him in his high school gym class, Moffitt finally revealed all.
“OK, so I have three aureoles; it’s not that uncommon, really,” said Moffitt.
When told that a reporter had three depositions from lobbyists who had been “serviced” by Moffitt’s third nipple, the legislator was quiet for some time.
“You just don’t understand how much pressure we’re under to raise money (for re-election campaigns),” said Moffitt.
“These guys are on us all the time, like pups on a bitch, and some of them will pay top dollar for unusual acts. They will really suck you dry if you give them a chance. But is it really so weird? I get some cash, and they get a milky thrill – perfectly legal under state law.”
