One of my best friends is visiting from Jamaica. I was so excited to go out last night to dinner with her, her hubby and some of her hubby’s friends. I have met them before so I was fairly comfortable around them.
So the evening went well. It is the first time she has been on a trip (with just her hubby) since her two kids were born.
I thought she would be really excited to get some ‘adult’ time. She has been here since Wednesday, and is leaving on Monday. Not even a week. So I said that out loud – I was like – why would you book for like, half a week when you may as well have booked for a whole week?!
I didn’t expect to be blown away by her reply. Except that I was….and to a certain degree I still am.
She went on to explain that it was the first time that she had left both the kids with their Mom and gone away and that yesterday was Saturday. They do things on Saturday and the kids expect to go out somewhere on Saturday.
She went on to explain how a typical Saturday is in her household. The kids wake her up, they run household errands (supermarket etc.) and then they always go out and do something.
So I asked if her Mom would not take them out and she replied that she would probably take them on errands and then up to a really awesome spot to watch the sunset. So I responded with “See? That’s taking them out isn’t it?”
She looked at multiple photos of her kids on her phone and then mumbled – yeah but it’s not the same…..you just don’t understand.
And I felt low.
Really really low.
I know she didn’t mean to make me feel this way but I felt like I wanted to leave right there and then.
There it was glaring in my face again. You don’t truly understand the love between a child and a mother.
She was right. I don’t. I won’t unless I am a mother myself. At least I won’t truly understand until I am one.
I am stuck in in-between land once more…..and it makes me feel unworthy as such. Unworthy and a teensy bit jealous (okay maybe not so teensy) that I don’t understand.
I just want an outing with my friend that is not all about the kids. I want to be able to go shopping with her and marvel about the clothes without her texting every second to find out if the kids brushed their teeth.
I want my friend back.
That’s all.
The friend that doesn’t seem to ever quite be in my present when in my presence whether the kids are there or not.
Am I going to be that distracted when I have kids? Am I going to repeat last night’s “incident” with my non-Mommy friends when I finally ‘cross over’? Do I, an official smug-married, do that to my single friends?
Don’t get me wrong – I love those kids with my life – they fit right into the little group of the sweetest little babies I have ever met. I love spending time with them and just the thought of them makes me smile…..but….
I just want my friend back for one day – and it drives me crazy to realize that I may never get that – not just because she has moved on, but because the only way to connect with her even remotely in the manner we used to….it will have to be me that changes (ie. I will have to have kids)- and even then, all our conversations will be about sippy cups and burp cloths, am I right?
I just feel as if I have been the one left behind with no way to reclaim what was mine. I feel she is racing ahead and away from me.
And worst of all, for some reason, I feel as if I am not good enough anymore…..just because I don’t understand.
