As you’ve heard by now, yesterday Glenn Beck released a joint statement with Fox News yesterday that he would be leaving his 5 PM slot on Fox News (Check out the 50 worst things he’s said and the full story of his departure). It’s often hard to follow his crazy conspiracy theories, and I thought I’d compile a list of people who make more sense in terms of their outlook on the world for Fox News to choose from. Fox, I expect a thank-you in the mail in the form of a gift certificate to TGI Friday’s.
- Gary Busey – Come on. It’s almost so obvious I can’t believe I have to explain it. Busey is totally bonkers, has a history of saying crazy things, and loves Jesus (he once told Wendy the Snapple lady that they couldn’t use the generic “God” in a prayer on Celebrity Fit Club). Perfect.
- Paula Abdul – Gotta love the incoherent speeches. Although she might be too nice. I can’t picture her leading a campaign against someone like Beck has against Van Jones or Francis Fox Piven … unless that someone is Simon Cowell.
- Lindsay Lohan – I’m not sure what her political leanings are, but it’s got to be at the very least a fruitful show for conspiracy theories about how they’re actually pulling over skinny white girls for DUI testing.
- Paris Hilton – that’s hot. Plus, she’s part of the wealthy elite, so chances are she doesn’t want Obama raising her taxes either.
- A from ABC Family’s Pretty Little Liars – this is my vote. I mean, come on – A is the origin of a number of conspiracy theories in and of his/her self. Did A kill Alison, or is s/he just a sneaky teen out to get revenge on the girls?
- Snooki – GTL: Guns, Totalitarianism, Liberty. I just started her first conspiracy theory.
- Muammar Gaddafi – with his co-host being his voluptuous virgin sidekicks.
- Kim Jong Il (PS: Kim Jong Il looking at things. You are welcome). – He loves movies just as much as Beck does. I’m sure his outlook on life contains alot of movie references as well!
- Lots-O’Huggin’-Bear – He believes in social order and hierarchy, and that every toy has its place and is afraid of change at Sunnyside Day Care. Breeding ground for thousands of conspiracy theories involving the sandbox alone. Probably involving Big Baby as well…
- Chuck Norris: A known ultra-conservative. Plus, Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in conspiracy theories. Conspiracy theories believe in Chuck Norris.
You know what’s sad? Looking at this list, I could kind of see how Fox would hire a couple of these people…
(PS: I just noticed that Huffington Post Comedy did something similar. That’s what I get for not visiting their site until I finished all the items on my t0-do list.. But check it out, it’s hilarious.)