We've all heard the saying "opposites attract" and we've seen the slew of rom coms that hammer home this point. "Pretty Woman", anyone? As it turns out, quite the opposite is in fact the case. Numerous studies have shown that we are more attracted to those individuals that are similar to us, and more likely to develop a healthy, ongoing relationship with them over time. What's more, the idea that we can change a partner over time doesn't pan out either.
These similarities certainly entail things like interests, hobbies, and political affiliation. However, they also encompass more fundamental aspects of identity such as race, geographic background, education, values, beliefs, and socioeconomic status. We end up limiting our pool of possible matches long before we decide to search in the first place.
This has obvious implications for how we think about romantic relationships, but it extends to friendship groups and social groups at work as well. In more populated environments (larger college campuses, larger companies), where we have the option to identity folks who are more similar to us, we end up doing just that. We self-segregate very quickly. However, in smaller organizations, where that diversity doesn't exist, our options are more limited and we may elect to socialize with folks who are more different.
This phenomenon has some very interesting implications for how we think about building community in organizations. We spend a lot of time in DEI work talking about the importance of expanding your circle of influence, and of getting to know people that are different than yourself. This, of course, goes against our very psychological nature, and is thus considerably more difficult than we are led to believe.
However, we also know that surface level identity traits such as race and gender have a significant impact on that initial decision to interact. So, perhaps the goal is one of simply getting past that initial inclination and seeking how more hidden similarities that can lead to a rewarding interaction and potential ongoing relationship. If we can find individuals that share in our attitudes, values, and beliefs, we are more likely to maintain those connections.
What's more, this clearly suggests that the more opportunities we can provide for employees to share their attitudes, values, and beliefs, the stronger bonds they will form at work. The teams they work in will be more effective if they can find at least one like-minded individual to connect with. Diversity of thought is certainly critical to an effective team as well, but everyone needs someone to connect with so they don't feel isolated.
This, of course, presents a problem if our goal is to be open to new perspectives. However, what may start out as a differing perspective may in fact be rooted in similar foundational values and beliefs. The connection may still be there, as long as we are willing to dig a bit deeper to find it. That being said, we all need to intentionally work on getting along better with people that are different than us. The importance of being exposed to new ideas and perspectives is critical to growth, and it's made all the more powerful if we can share that perspective with someone else we already have a relationship with and is likely quite similar to us.
So, you probably aren't going to change your partner when it comes to those habits or beliefs that annoy you, but you can listen to those different perspectives and share them with the best friend you've had since high school.
