You know that thing where generations clash? Where you teach your parents to use the remote twelve times, yet they still press all the input buttons, then call you because ‘there’s no picture’?
Yeah. So, here I am, living peacefully (enough) in 2014, yet little bits of baby boomer keep being flung at me like shards of broken glass. And sometimes it just gets on my nerves.
So, without further ado, I’d like to impart to you, dear reader, my family’s opinions on everything:
Cable Television: Unnecessary. You can pick up that antenna at the Walgreens.
The Internet: A scary, unsafe place. Unless they need a recipe.
Dishwasher: Why would anyone put dishes in there, when it only takes five minutes to wash them all by hand?
Ice Cream: Imperative. Must be in the house at all times, and fed to children pre- and post-meals. Especially Breyer’s Coffee.
Half and Half Containers: Should be distributed to children in public places until sucked completely dry, the plastic implodes, and cream splashes into their eyes.
Vacations: People with three kids don’t take vacations.
Smartphones: What do you keep looking at that thing for?
Hats, Coats, Socks, and Gloves: Should be piled on children at all times. There’s a draft.
Petroleum Jelly: The remedy for any skin malady.
Vicks VapoRub and Antibiotics: The remedy for any illness.
Food Allergies: Don’t exist. (See Also: Lactose Intolerance)
Weather Forecasts: Should be watched at every iteration of the evening news and imparted to all family members, via telephone, frantically and repeatedly.
Traffic: Will almost guarantee death by impatience. Should be avoided at all costs.
Air Conditioning: Too cold. Wet a facecloth and lay it over your sweaty body.
Changes of Plans: Not allowed.
Driving in the Rain: Forget it.
Parties: Too much work.
Backseat Driving: Necessary at all times, especially during periods of rain.
Napkins and Sugar Packets: Yours for the taking! All you can grab!
Parenting Advice: Abundant and continuous.
Work-Related Functions: Can’t you just stay home?
Insects That Carry Disease: Completely fictional.
Plastic Water Bottles: Totally safe.
Grocery Shopping in One Store Only: You know eggs are on sale at Stop & Shop, right?
Marinades of Any Kind: We like it plain. Except for those frajitas.
Reading Glasses: Fifty pair (all leopard print) that are either broken or don’t work, and they must also fight over them in public.
Refrigerating Leftovers: It’ll be fine on the counter for a few hours. (See Also: Groceries in a hot car.)
Oscillating Fans: The solution to summer.
Dinner for Five: Under $30, or we don’t eat.
We’re kickin’ it Old School. Do you feel me??
