I accidentally on purpose forgot my food monitoring records
So she said she had to cut the session short because that's what she was going to work on today
I seem to have a huge problem recording my intake
I just don't want to have to write down everytime I purge
It's too difficult to face
Too depressing
And then having to show someone else
That's just too much
But as she says, those records are how I learn what I'm doing right and wrong
So why can't I do it?
It's getting embarrassing
Every Tuesday and Friday I go to see her
And every week I've made precious little progress
There's always a reason not to recover
Always an excuse
A reservation
The thing is I crave independence
My own life
A career
Friends
Partner
Just a regular life free from this monster
But all of that is outweighed by the fact that I don't want to gain weight
And I can't have one without the other
I started Operation Freedom last week
But after gaining 4 pounds it quickly descended in to Operation Freefall
Interestingly when Mary weighed me today, the 4 pounds had miraculously disappeared
I now wonder did I imagine the whole thing
It wouldn't surprise me these days
I seem to sabotage myself
I'm my own worst enemy
If I could just get out of my own way I might get somewhere
Mary asked me straight out if I want to get well
All I could say was 'I do and I don't'
And that's the truth
It changes from day to day
Hour to hour
Minute to minute
She said that no one can do this but me
'Then why don't I want it more' I asked her
She said she couldn't answer that
I have to figure that one out myself
She asked me if I though I was worth saving
I said not particularly
She spoke about self esteem and said I need to do things to look after myself more
I read somewhere recently that if you don't value your life then death means nothing either
And that's so true
Death doesn't bother me because life means so little to me
As I've said before I can talk about recovery until the end of time but it doesn't count for anything if I don't do something about it
If I don't take action
So I'm going to attempt Operation Freedom again
Even though I'm not sure it's what I want
How will I know if I don't try
Fake it 'til you make it and all that
I remember when I was getting clean off drugs
I made a deal with myself that I would try recovery and give it my best for 6 months
If things hadn't improved by then I could always go back
Drugs will always be there but recovery might not be
And that worked
Knowing I could go back at any time helped me in a weird way
Inevitably things did improve and I never did go back
So I'm thinking that's what I should do now
I've nothing to lose and everything to gain
Anyone out there suffering with an ED knows how soul destroying it is
It sucks the life right out of you
It brings you to the darkest place
Your mind is not your own
I guess the question is do I want to be thin and miserable or a healthy weight and possibly happy
I was watching a programme last night and I found myself laughing
Then I realize it had been months or possibly years since I last laughed
I mean really laughed
A Proper belly laugh
There's is nothing that feels as good as laughing
I miss that
I miss peace of mind
Feeling comfortable in my own skin
Not feeling anxious
I miss so much
Mary says that it's the small changes that add up to be big leaps
So I'm going to start small
No big empty gestures
Little steps
Baby steps
Rome wasn't built in a day
I know this is a slow process
It can take months to recover physically
Years to recover emotionally
A life time to get over it completely
But to be free of this thing would be worth it
I'm tired of feeling like a spectator to life
Living a half life
Somewhere between life and death
Mary had me write down this
'Every step brings me nearer to my goal'
The goal being happiness, health, independence, freedom and peace of mind
She said to use it as my mantra
I have to keep reminding myself that this is not my first rodeo
I've been this way for a long time
I tend to compare myself to other sufferers
But most other sufferers are younger than me
By the time they are my age most will have some sort of recovery
So I'm going to start and I'll have to be strict with myself
First thing is my choice of reading material
I'm rereading Wintergirls right now and just today I realised that I was trying to keep up with Lia's weightloss
I managed not to buy binge food today too
I'm going to put the money I save from buying binge food towards a fund for a new hair cut
It's not much but that's what I can do today
I'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow
I just have to keep trying
Yes I fall but the important thing is to get back up, dust myself off and keep going
Keep believing
And keep hoping
