I was struck by a memory the other day as I was brushing my teeth. I don’t know why this memory chose this exact moment to come to me, but it was obviously something that had been tucked away where I couldn’t see it. I think it was writing the story about Flashing My Ass on The Golden Gate that brought it crashing back to me. I seem to have strange encounters with nudity whilst traveling.
It was New Years Eve and I was making my way back down Vietnam after a stint volunteering in an orphanage in Hanoi. I was traveling alone and decided to stop for the night at a bar in Hoi An. I parked myself on a bar stool and ordered a cocktail. There was a Vietnamese girl beside me and we started to chat, her in very broken English, me in shoddy Vietnamese. Funny how after a few drinks you don’t really need to speak the same language anymore, you just magically start to understand each other.
The bar slowly got busier and busier, and darker and darker. A DJ took his post on a little stage in front of a packed crowd. While sitting at the bar, I turned around and made eye contact with a guy behind me who was inching his way through the crowd. I don’t know how, but I just knew he and his friend were Australian. Now Aussies and Kiwis have a hate/love relationship. That is, when we are in our individual countries, watching a rugby match against each other, we hate. But when we are on the other side of the world, we gravitate towards each other, it feels like home.
Said Aussie boy, sidled in beside me, introduced himself (sure enough, from Melbourne) and ordered drinks. We all spent the rest of the night together and had a great time. I even met some kiwi girls who joined into the mix. But where this story turns from ordinary to interesting, is actually with the friend of the Aussie boy I met, we shall call him second Aussie boy. He informed me at the start of the night that he had a girlfriend, so I was enjoying chatting with him, as I knew there was no chance of an awkward conversation ensuing. How wrong could I be.
At some point, second Aussie boy got himself blind drunk, and I mean so blind drunk that we had to leave the bar, with him draped over us and attempt to take him to his hotel and put him to bed. As we by-passed the pool, this boy (by boy I mean 29-year-old man) decided he would remove all of his clothes. After living in Australia for a while, this was all too familiar for me, they love to get their kit off. Being the lady that I am, I turned my face away and shielded my eyes. I was not drunk enough for this. Quick as a flash he was in the pool and doing some sort of butterfly towards the other end. First Aussie boy headed inside to get second Aussie boy a robe. He returned with the robe and then promptly buggered off in a huff! What the! Don’t leave me here with this smashed naked boy in a pool. I want to go home and eat my left-over fried rice not fish this lad out of the water before he drowns himself! I had visions of his girlfriend crying down the phone when she found out that her boyfriend had drowned in a pool in Vietnam, naked, and a mystery blond had been seen fleeing the scene yelling ‘chhiiiccken friiiiieeed riiiiiice’.
I dragged him out and quickly covered him with the robe, so I didn’t have to witness anything. ‘Right you need to get yourself to bed Mr’ I told him. But you know how it is when you try to reason with drunken strangers. It is a pointless exercise. He staggered around the pool and headed for the edge of the canal that bordered the hotel. Oh jeez.
I reasoned in my head. Leave now and pretend you never met him, or stay and make sure he doesn’t end up drowning in the canal. Oh for gods sake, surely I’ve had too many cocktails to have a conscience! But alas, I gently tried to guide the robe-clad Aussie towards the hotel building. He sat himself down on the ground and motioned for me to sit beside him.
Him: ‘Katie, I really do like my girlfriend, but I want to kiss you.’ F…M…L.
Me: ‘No you don’t, you are just pissed and being stupid, come on, off to bed’.
Him: ‘No, I really do.’
At that moment, he peeled back his robe and exposed himself. ‘See!!’ he exclaimed.
I reeled back and did what any girl should probably never do when a man shows you his penis. I laughed. Head back, eye-watering laughter.
I backed away from the edge and thought to myself…you know what, if you can still ‘stand to attention’, then you are sober enough to sort yourself out. And anyway, I’m sure if his girlfriend knew what he was up to, she would have preferred I let him drown.
Looking forward to next year’s travels, but not so much to the nudity that probably awaits me.
Much love X
