Monday

Day:  MondayMood:  In differentSong: Daft Punk, Get Lucky
Wearing:  New blue tracksuit


A new dayA new week
A fresh start
A chance to put the mistakes of last week behind us and start over
An opportunity to make new goals and a whole week to meet them
Although I do find Monday's quite triggering
I get my meds on a Monday so there is always the temptation to over use them
Today I've been good
I took them as prescribed
I saw my doctor this morning
My usual doctor is still off so I saw one of the women doctors
She was lovely
I explained about my dizzyness
She took my blood pressure
3 times actually
And it was low
She figures that I am dehydrated and told me to drink more water
The first thing I do every morning, even before I weigh myself is feel my hip bones
I find it's a good indicator as to whether I've gained or lost
This morning I felt like they were more prominent
I weighed and I had lost half a kilo
After maintaining for almost 3 weeks the number has finally dropped
It's bittersweet
I always imagine in my head how good it will feel to she the number decrease
But when it happens it's something of an anticlimax
And it's never enough
It's a moving target that gets lower and lower
My favorite time of the day is last thing at night
When my head hits the pillow, I have a feeling incredible relief
The day is over
Binging and purging is over
The demons is my head don't go away but they do subside a little
It feels so good to have gotten through that day in one piece
Lying in my warm cosy bed I can let all the anxiety go
All the stress
The strain
The endless tug-of-war in my head
The cooking
The cleaning
The never ending march from my kitchen to the bathroom
It all just melts away
Just for those few minutes before I fall asleep, I feel free
Free from the urge to eat and purge
Free from the voice abusing me
Free from the grip of this illness
This happens me sometimes
I get little glimpses of what my life could be like
The person that I could be
Just Ruby
Not Ruby the anorexic or Ruby the drug addict
But then I wake up the next morning and the whole cycle starts   again
I had to ask my mother for the loan of money this week
There are few things that I hate more than asking someone for a loan of money
At my age I should be able to budget and be responsible
But maintaining a raging bulimic's lifestyle is expensive
I got to the shop every day and buy food
I hate that I spend so much money on food
Food that gets flushed down the toilet
It's  literally money done the drain
And then the guilt and shame kick in
I just don't have the energy to do this anymore
My body is hurting
It's tried and cold and brittle
It's had enough
I've had enough